Aaaah, my stomach lining!!!!!
január 09, 2004
the old is... not new
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ajmcmayjay/
The time = has come
I think it's time to move on to livejournal, kids. I must post pictures I take with Maiko's camera on the often occasion in which I steal it.
I meet nice people online, now, also, too, in addition. LiveJournal has sexy bitches, in conclusion, I will move there and be motivated to look at their pictures, and then proceed to feel akward as... I plunge into other people's paradoxically private/public lives.
RCHS is the school for plain-looking people, I am sad among my kind.
So I'm really jacked up on medication, appearently. I fell asleep on the floor for well over three hours and I haven't been able to close my eyes or stop moving since... It seems to have broken me but I feel dramatically different at the moment. This odd combination of happy and comfortable and at the same time I haven't felt satisfied by food, just starving or sick. I'm also very tired... but hot-wired like a damn nuclear power plant. I'm hoping that I can find something interesting to do because I'm going INSANE and I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeep. I hope I'm kinda like this at school so I do not pass out in my classes, but then again, I will not be able to focus, I fear, though I did get the majoirty of my work done except the midterm corrections and Wajima's wkst. I do respect the calc teacher to the utmost, but I'm very cross that he thinks giving us two nights to correct midterms and do the WajimaReview worksheet and declaring it feasable... fees-able... It is very appearent that he choses not to acknowlage the hour-minimum homework limit for AP classes, bless his bitter, math-teacher heart.
I've been hitting my knees together for the past twenty minutes. I'm really anxious about school because I can't see two days in front of my face. I've lost the ability to transition between thoughts.
the end!
I meet nice people online, now, also, too, in addition. LiveJournal has sexy bitches, in conclusion, I will move there and be motivated to look at their pictures, and then proceed to feel akward as... I plunge into other people's paradoxically private/public lives.
RCHS is the school for plain-looking people, I am sad among my kind.
So I'm really jacked up on medication, appearently. I fell asleep on the floor for well over three hours and I haven't been able to close my eyes or stop moving since... It seems to have broken me but I feel dramatically different at the moment. This odd combination of happy and comfortable and at the same time I haven't felt satisfied by food, just starving or sick. I'm also very tired... but hot-wired like a damn nuclear power plant. I'm hoping that I can find something interesting to do because I'm going INSANE and I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeep. I hope I'm kinda like this at school so I do not pass out in my classes, but then again, I will not be able to focus, I fear, though I did get the majoirty of my work done except the midterm corrections and Wajima's wkst. I do respect the calc teacher to the utmost, but I'm very cross that he thinks giving us two nights to correct midterms and do the WajimaReview worksheet and declaring it feasable... fees-able... It is very appearent that he choses not to acknowlage the hour-minimum homework limit for AP classes, bless his bitter, math-teacher heart.
I've been hitting my knees together for the past twenty minutes. I'm really anxious about school because I can't see two days in front of my face. I've lost the ability to transition between thoughts.
the end!
január 08, 2004
and
I also failed Irene, I wanted to take dance classes real bad like, poor kevin will be all alone too...
Jennmegiferan
We changed Jennifer and Megan's names, combined them: Jennmegiferan.
Still doing midterm corrections, finding the fundamental flaws in my claculus knowlege. Not impressed by the teacher's teching methods or efectiveness, I feel like it's fine for some people, but it isn't for me.
I got really dizzy and uncomfortabe-feeling today, new body chemestry stuff, I don't like...
Couldn't swim, feel like an asshole
unable to type full sentences
end
Still doing midterm corrections, finding the fundamental flaws in my claculus knowlege. Not impressed by the teacher's teching methods or efectiveness, I feel like it's fine for some people, but it isn't for me.
I got really dizzy and uncomfortabe-feeling today, new body chemestry stuff, I don't like...
Couldn't swim, feel like an asshole
unable to type full sentences
end
január 07, 2004
the short story but not the corrections
A whole lot of homework for the first night back, kids. I guess this should be more introspective about the second half of senior year but it's really late and I have swimteam in the morning. It wouldn't have been so bad and I might have started the calc midterm corrections had I not chosen to re-write the short story, but I think it's going to be a doozy now, and I like the new one so much more, I tink the strife of tommorow will justify it.
Is there a meet tommorow?
Is there a meet tommorow?
január 05, 2004
change is in the air
I saw "The Last Samurai" today with Maiko and Adam, the theatre was so hot, I was sweating o' plenty. It was a time of great strife and bad smells.
It's been brought to my attention that I am one of those who takes little effort to preserve my language and present only the downfall of english. Downfall to something more elastic? That sounds like good.
Back to "Last Samurai"... I'm not too big a fan of Tom Cruise, his being serious turns into a melodrama, as was the case with the film. But the cinematography, oh! Half the reason I was sweating, it was simply gorgeous and thoughtful. It also was really nostalgic about our dear friend: the Japanese Custom. I missed Japan so much and Maiko kept boasting about how proud she was of her country. I want it to be my country, too. Not because of the movie, but the powerful emotions that it evoked from re-kindling my memories. I miss all the bowing and simplicity immensely, and the persuit of perfection that their culture rests so heavily against. I want quality, it should be more integral in my life.
In conclusion, I am cleaning out my room until it is so bare, Japan makes me crazy, what can I say?
It's been brought to my attention that I am one of those who takes little effort to preserve my language and present only the downfall of english. Downfall to something more elastic? That sounds like good.
Back to "Last Samurai"... I'm not too big a fan of Tom Cruise, his being serious turns into a melodrama, as was the case with the film. But the cinematography, oh! Half the reason I was sweating, it was simply gorgeous and thoughtful. It also was really nostalgic about our dear friend: the Japanese Custom. I missed Japan so much and Maiko kept boasting about how proud she was of her country. I want it to be my country, too. Not because of the movie, but the powerful emotions that it evoked from re-kindling my memories. I miss all the bowing and simplicity immensely, and the persuit of perfection that their culture rests so heavily against. I want quality, it should be more integral in my life.
In conclusion, I am cleaning out my room until it is so bare, Japan makes me crazy, what can I say?
december 31, 2003
BUTT(ass)
I'm up late again tonight "working" on college essays. I'm not getting anything done, and the essays are crap, maybe my SAT scores will get me into college. I took a 3+ hours nap from 5ish to 815ish instead of writing, which is anothwer reson why i am up late. Also, SimCity 4 is the devil, damn those... stupid Maxis people.
december 27, 2003
Some Donuts...
http://www.thefucksociety.com/animation/pw_donuts.swf
go there
and love
the donuts
go there
and love
the donuts
So good
I had a lot of fun tonight, it felt really rewarding after working for hours on college applications, none of which I actually have sent in electronically, yet. It makes me really motivated to do more. I need a portfolio and I have all these mixed-media ideas just overflowing my brain and all this random stuff (garbage, mostly) to put into it for poignant statement or two. I really got on a kanipshit about how wasteful modern society is and blah blah blah, ...
I may or may not have written it as the topic of "what concerns me most" for the common application. Haha, they'll hate me or love me, that's how I want it.
I'm excited, I can taste and smell again. It's really depressing to miss pumpkin pie and all of these seasonal smells. I feel like I missed a big part of my life for the past few weeks. I really never convey to people how important smell and taste are to me, but I really prize them more than most. It was crippling to myself to not have it, and it sounds whiney and spoiled to say that it's imprtant to me because one can infer that I'm just saying that in one of those "Didn't know what you had till it's gone" moments, but I'm serious. Smell is one thing I never undervalued and not having was terrible, it took a lot of enjoyment out of my life and losing my ability to taste took a few pounds off me because meals were thankless. I feel bad and kinda weak for saying it, but it's important to admit to it, and I never want to lose those sensations again, makes me very unhappy.
I may or may not have written it as the topic of "what concerns me most" for the common application. Haha, they'll hate me or love me, that's how I want it.
I'm excited, I can taste and smell again. It's really depressing to miss pumpkin pie and all of these seasonal smells. I feel like I missed a big part of my life for the past few weeks. I really never convey to people how important smell and taste are to me, but I really prize them more than most. It was crippling to myself to not have it, and it sounds whiney and spoiled to say that it's imprtant to me because one can infer that I'm just saying that in one of those "Didn't know what you had till it's gone" moments, but I'm serious. Smell is one thing I never undervalued and not having was terrible, it took a lot of enjoyment out of my life and losing my ability to taste took a few pounds off me because meals were thankless. I feel bad and kinda weak for saying it, but it's important to admit to it, and I never want to lose those sensations again, makes me very unhappy.
december 24, 2003
Foogensnot
I playes SimCity 4 for, uh, around 6 to 9 hours. In the background was VH1 and it's "Rich people extravaganza" They gave it some other name but it was all about "The Fabulous Life of ______" When Maiko was awake she kept repeating the stupidity of having all that money and then spending it on the stupidest shit for yourself and your spoiled kids or damn dogs. I do have to agree, wholeheartedly. Ecspecially when they're like "But they are generous, too. Such-and-such gave almost a million dollars to this cause." which would later be followed by things like "The custom bently costs over 2.1 million dollars but thats just a drop in the bucket compared to how much they really have". Whew, I tell you, stretching out their necks to give that 1/200th of their wealth to a bunch of people dying of an immunodeficiancy disorder or downright starvation. A million, you say? Golly, that's like, a weeks pay, thats a bathroom in your Manhattan penthouse. Way to go.
Then later, as the night progressed passed midnight, it was over. 12 heralded and expose on Michael jackson, and i could hear my brain screaming for me to change the channel on that but the computer burned my eyes with dorky interest. Then some "documentary" about how much people spent in 2003 three that used "(Insert decadent action here) was SO popular in 2003". That was painful. And it got so bad as there is a 2-hour special about the red carpet and all that jazz w/ body-language experts and what "the stars" are up to.
I need to stop wasting my time on electronic crap and get some art done or... sleep or something. Work out? I hate gyms. Um, college apps are for the daytime when I can think in writing. I say that, but then I do enough urban planning to be qualified to fix that quagmire in downtown Raleigh with my eyes superglued shut and my mouth sewn closed (Yes, that good, it's true). I should hide my computer games from myself and hope the family has avoided buying me superfluous and time-eating objects, which is a total pipe dream. I tell you what, middle-class life is SO tough, I don't know how I can bear to stand the comfort and leisure time I have. (what? was that sarcasm and annoyance with my problems?! Oh dear! I believe so!)
A pox on Christmas.
Then later, as the night progressed passed midnight, it was over. 12 heralded and expose on Michael jackson, and i could hear my brain screaming for me to change the channel on that but the computer burned my eyes with dorky interest. Then some "documentary" about how much people spent in 2003 three that used "(Insert decadent action here) was SO popular in 2003". That was painful. And it got so bad as there is a 2-hour special about the red carpet and all that jazz w/ body-language experts and what "the stars" are up to.
I need to stop wasting my time on electronic crap and get some art done or... sleep or something. Work out? I hate gyms. Um, college apps are for the daytime when I can think in writing. I say that, but then I do enough urban planning to be qualified to fix that quagmire in downtown Raleigh with my eyes superglued shut and my mouth sewn closed (Yes, that good, it's true). I should hide my computer games from myself and hope the family has avoided buying me superfluous and time-eating objects, which is a total pipe dream. I tell you what, middle-class life is SO tough, I don't know how I can bear to stand the comfort and leisure time I have. (what? was that sarcasm and annoyance with my problems?! Oh dear! I believe so!)
A pox on Christmas.
december 21, 2003
4th time in one day
I feel like ugh.
Yes, it's true, I do have a sinus infection. The visit to the doctor was less of an adventure and more of getting meds for what I knew had already happened.
So changing from a steady diet of over-the-counter sinus pain relief meds: to "Clarinex" which is a more hardcore anti-histamine, "Nasonex" which is a steroid that I will have the pleasure of ejecting into each nostril twice a day, and Amoxicillin+Clavulanate Potassium horse-pills which are aircraft-carrier class anti-biotics aimed at destroying the appearently immense bacterial population which is currently in residence in my already war-scarred sinuses. In doing so, I've appearently descended into the final circle of hell. My cough is still persistant, I believe my hearing is decreasing further. I have a terrible fever which is probably the cause of my migraine-force headache as the high tempertaure kills off my nerve center.
I've really fucked up my karma somewhere to feel like this and also being just as low-feeling as I can go. I can't believe how quickly things fall apart if you are blind-sighted by negative revelations.
My head hurts a lot and I don't want to work.. the last two calc tests tommorow... what can I do, this whole year has been a pathetic series of bad timings.
Yes, it's true, I do have a sinus infection. The visit to the doctor was less of an adventure and more of getting meds for what I knew had already happened.
So changing from a steady diet of over-the-counter sinus pain relief meds: to "Clarinex" which is a more hardcore anti-histamine, "Nasonex" which is a steroid that I will have the pleasure of ejecting into each nostril twice a day, and Amoxicillin+Clavulanate Potassium horse-pills which are aircraft-carrier class anti-biotics aimed at destroying the appearently immense bacterial population which is currently in residence in my already war-scarred sinuses. In doing so, I've appearently descended into the final circle of hell. My cough is still persistant, I believe my hearing is decreasing further. I have a terrible fever which is probably the cause of my migraine-force headache as the high tempertaure kills off my nerve center.
I've really fucked up my karma somewhere to feel like this and also being just as low-feeling as I can go. I can't believe how quickly things fall apart if you are blind-sighted by negative revelations.
My head hurts a lot and I don't want to work.. the last two calc tests tommorow... what can I do, this whole year has been a pathetic series of bad timings.
calc tests
2 tests tommorow and then I am done.
just had an argument of lindmines with my father b/c he's "on my side" by being a pushy asshole. Cruel as it sounds I don't need him to tell me to study, particularly when I'm taking a break and eating. It's rediculous how self-rightous both of us can be. I don't know who is the right side of our dispute. I don't like him at all.
just had an argument of lindmines with my father b/c he's "on my side" by being a pushy asshole. Cruel as it sounds I don't need him to tell me to study, particularly when I'm taking a break and eating. It's rediculous how self-rightous both of us can be. I don't know who is the right side of our dispute. I don't like him at all.
limbo
Drown a frog
Ugh, kiddies, I made a bad night. I'm exhausted and i've been up for soooooooo long with a lot to think about. I'm not quite sure what I'll do...
And I'm really bothered how poorly my aquaintenship to two strangers is going to end, that always kills me.
there's a lot to tear one up inside. But... eh, I.. can't expect happiness eternal, that's not real life.
And I'm really bothered how poorly my aquaintenship to two strangers is going to end, that always kills me.
there's a lot to tear one up inside. But... eh, I.. can't expect happiness eternal, that's not real life.
december 20, 2003
TRAGIC LIVES
My life has been declared "tragic"!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It sounds like Guns and Roses in my head: MY LIIIIIIIIIFEEEEE IS TRAAAAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIC FOOOOOOOOOOOOOR MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYSSSS HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTT IIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEE
... even though everything iS WELL MORE THAN FINE YUM YUM on that part
and jebus, Axl is SO UGLY now, i saw VH1 making fun of him, was so bored and turned it on, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, jeez he was bloated and cornrows? DAaaaaaaaaaaaaamn...
I'm in a good mood, a really really really good mood, for reason that will be obvious to three other people... who were there, hee hee mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
... even though everything iS WELL MORE THAN FINE YUM YUM on that part
and jebus, Axl is SO UGLY now, i saw VH1 making fun of him, was so bored and turned it on, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, jeez he was bloated and cornrows? DAaaaaaaaaaaaaamn...
I'm in a good mood, a really really really good mood, for reason that will be obvious to three other people... who were there, hee hee mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
fyi
And it seems as though the majority of my friends are crazy... really crazy. I like it, but others prefer to make snyde comments about highschoolers. I would be resentful, but it's laregly true, and clearly... clearly there is something wrong with those RCHS kids, I mean, read the post i wrote below! Insane...
makeouttime
So, huzzah, winter break, exams are done, oh Wait NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I still have 2 claculus tests to make up, and I HAVE to, as I definitely FAILED the midterm.
And I'm really bummed b/c I was definitely bitched at by a lot of people about getting it done sooner. *sigh.
So, new, sexy people visiting that are newer, sexier and improved! I need some relaxation time now, getting tonight DONE was TOO much, after monday I never want to fret until school starts again, well after it starts, I say.
I don't feel like anything is worth it anymore, like I'm trying really hard to get something done, and nothing in my life is changing, it is all tending towards bad...
I'd make some snide comment about teen angst, but it doesn't really feel like that... maybe I'm just tired.
And I'm really bummed b/c I was definitely bitched at by a lot of people about getting it done sooner. *sigh.
So, new, sexy people visiting that are newer, sexier and improved! I need some relaxation time now, getting tonight DONE was TOO much, after monday I never want to fret until school starts again, well after it starts, I say.
I don't feel like anything is worth it anymore, like I'm trying really hard to get something done, and nothing in my life is changing, it is all tending towards bad...
I'd make some snide comment about teen angst, but it doesn't really feel like that... maybe I'm just tired.
december 16, 2003
what to do...
I'm exhausted and it is only Tuesday, I'm gonna need to chill if I want to gt the midterms done right.
Do I study for midterms?
Or do more calc work so I can actually get to retake those damn tests? Every time I go in he says "you should have done this two weeks ago" and I respond "I was siiiiick" and he doesn't believe me and then he informs me that I have yet more work I haven't done. Why did I fuck all this up so bad!?
Life's become this transparent and fruitless race to get good grades. It's like a damn game to win them at school. I'm ready to be done with futility for now, but then there's that blind faith that I will actually busy myself with anything but trivial shit during the break. And that, my friends, would be a lie.
Do I study for midterms?
Or do more calc work so I can actually get to retake those damn tests? Every time I go in he says "you should have done this two weeks ago" and I respond "I was siiiiick" and he doesn't believe me and then he informs me that I have yet more work I haven't done. Why did I fuck all this up so bad!?
Life's become this transparent and fruitless race to get good grades. It's like a damn game to win them at school. I'm ready to be done with futility for now, but then there's that blind faith that I will actually busy myself with anything but trivial shit during the break. And that, my friends, would be a lie.
december 15, 2003
I was going to change the title
but then i forgot what i was going to put.
I should be working...
ta!
I should be working...
ta!
december 14, 2003
on the mend
I'm feeling less sick and I am generally able to focus on my work. get the calc done, that's all I need to do...
december 13, 2003
whats' the date you say?
I went to school, diligently, thursday and friday, even though my body was saying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, &c." and that damned orchestra concert on.... I forgot when it was but my head was so congested I couldn't hear shit, I reportedly did very well. I'm still sick, hence the title. As the british would say: "I, old chap, have developed a peculiarly low constitution in the recent passings of the months, *conceited chuckle*" . This certainly isn't to suggest that I was always one for standing againts the test of time in terms of not contrating illness, but they all seem so serious recently... I wonder if it's really just me getting sick, or if there's something mental involved, b/c let's face it folks, I ain't solid as bedrock over here. I guess my stable blogbase of Xan and probably two other people have already heard this song and dance, I will omit.
I still got so much shi to do, what do I do for all the time in my life?
I still got so much shi to do, what do I do for all the time in my life?
december 08, 2003
hurt
I'm sick sick sick. I feel really terrible. This is a bad week for it to happen. Stop comforting me and stop acting stupid. Thats the only way people can help me. I have absolutely no patience when I'm ill. I yell a lot, too, and I'm going to pretend like it isn't a character flaw so much as a side-effect of the illness... riiiiiight.
Good luck on your exam, Adam!!!!!!!!!
Good luck on your exam, Adam!!!!!!!!!
december 04, 2003
Clearly...
I didn't get hardly any homework done, what the fuck did I do all night!? I flipped out all on Nathan and scared the shit out of him to bring in breakfast with me, because I'm way too fucking stupid to get coordinated and assign breakfast to anyoneveriamsodumbtheend. I'm so frustrated with myself right now, I'm at a crucial time nearing midterms and I have to get virtually all of my grades up, and virtually actually means literally, because none of them are good. I have absolutely no control over my emotions and sleep pattern as this post and its time clearly reveal. It would be swell if the teachers helped, but thats a fat chance in hell of happening since I showed my irresponsibility at not getting shit done in the first place. I really just want to yell at somebody, and I'm tired of yelling at myself... and tom, but thats been resolved! yay! I would much prefer something else to my situation, I wish I could just take the easy road and have dyslexia or something of that nature and blame it wholeheartedly.
december 03, 2003
fighting a lost cause/person
because I'm pushy and mean and heinous
and concerned
and hurt
and doing that stupid trying to help people whether they want to be or not thing.
I hate everything for being so damn entrenched and myself for not letting it go and letting it be. There is no reason for me to go on a crusade for myself and someone else, I would like to think I am right but I don't really know if I am because it is so hard. Who am I to judge how someone runs their life? Just because it doesn't adhere to my ideals, which I thought were concerned only with being true to yourself and helping everyone to understand eachother even if it is just a little more, doesn't mean I am right; its the sting of that Victorian naïveté where you never want to concieve the idea that you are wrong so you bulldoze it over. Would my fear of giving up be my fear of losing is disguise? Certainly it seems so, there is so much wrong with what I try to do so hard, its that whole perception of right and wrong, how the universe in a person's mind is either more or less important that that of others'. I'm tired of thinking about this, I hardly have time for school work, why am I spending it on doing things that aren't school? Why does it feel so wrong to speculate that helping someone should and must come second to my own schoolwork?
God, I can't stand all the implications, it tears my ego apart, and shameful as it is, thats something I can't stand.
and concerned
and hurt
and doing that stupid trying to help people whether they want to be or not thing.
I hate everything for being so damn entrenched and myself for not letting it go and letting it be. There is no reason for me to go on a crusade for myself and someone else, I would like to think I am right but I don't really know if I am because it is so hard. Who am I to judge how someone runs their life? Just because it doesn't adhere to my ideals, which I thought were concerned only with being true to yourself and helping everyone to understand eachother even if it is just a little more, doesn't mean I am right; its the sting of that Victorian naïveté where you never want to concieve the idea that you are wrong so you bulldoze it over. Would my fear of giving up be my fear of losing is disguise? Certainly it seems so, there is so much wrong with what I try to do so hard, its that whole perception of right and wrong, how the universe in a person's mind is either more or less important that that of others'. I'm tired of thinking about this, I hardly have time for school work, why am I spending it on doing things that aren't school? Why does it feel so wrong to speculate that helping someone should and must come second to my own schoolwork?
God, I can't stand all the implications, it tears my ego apart, and shameful as it is, thats something I can't stand.
Aj = fail
Senioritus sure would be a swell reason to set up to take the fall for my ineptitude at the abitility to start, perofr successfully, and consequently complete work. Not true, though. It seems as though my capacities for, well, anything really have just deteriorated to the point that I can't get any homework done at all and school is an effort that just isn't working out. I feel pretty desperate to get college stuff out so at least I can feel like I have a shot at a future, lies.
Christmas is over-commercialized, welcome to the modern and/or post-modern world. Christmas is slowly becoming an objective time of year for present-giving, deal with it and the fact that non-christians desire to celebrate it, go hi-jack some other really old custom, or hell, use one of those other REALLY IMPORTANT days in your religon to celebrate, or deal with it, as long as it means something to you, it does not matter what other poeple do or think or how they react to it, b/c religon isn't all about doing and thinking he same as everyone else about particular events and the like, honestly.
Christmas is over-commercialized, welcome to the modern and/or post-modern world. Christmas is slowly becoming an objective time of year for present-giving, deal with it and the fact that non-christians desire to celebrate it, go hi-jack some other really old custom, or hell, use one of those other REALLY IMPORTANT days in your religon to celebrate, or deal with it, as long as it means something to you, it does not matter what other poeple do or think or how they react to it, b/c religon isn't all about doing and thinking he same as everyone else about particular events and the like, honestly.
november 30, 2003
post-scriptumilusicususus
problems in the relationship? nope. I'm just doing bad
to the bitch and bäck
Went to emerald isle for thanksgiving and me and Maiko WASTED friday there. I have never felt like i've COMPLETELY WASTED so much time in all my life. But that isn't true, b/c all time i spend doing work feels wasted and fruitless. Fruitless is the word, genuine. I sit and read ofr hours and hours and the most I get out of it is a terrible mood. Wuthering Heights is a good book, but it just kills me, the pople and everything makes me hate people, just hate everyone so much. AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANY CALCULUS THIS WHOLE TIME. Fucking shit, I sit down with ANYTHING in that class and it doesn't GET DONE. I never finish anything for that class! Test corrections? I have headers on some blank pieces of paper. All my work is half-assed bullshit, all of it. I can't focus on anything, its like any time I sit down with something I get up to get something else and I have to fidget with it so i can get it done and I might as well take a nap while I'm in my room working and blahblahblah and so now I don't think I will ever get anything done or be able to focus on anything ever again. the end.
november 26, 2003
long pause
Yesterday/today has been long.
The effort I put into school will always go unrewarded (in grades).
Maiko probably hates Adam, deep down and on the inside.
A girl I love is brokededed.
Maiko is 18!
My happiness is either makeshift, or an illusion to begin with...
The effort I put into school will always go unrewarded (in grades).
Maiko probably hates Adam, deep down and on the inside.
A girl I love is brokededed.
Maiko is 18!
My happiness is either makeshift, or an illusion to begin with...
november 21, 2003
swimmeat
Swim meet today, went well, lived to tell the tale. Thats what I call success.
Play performance tommorow. Thats to so comforting, its got to the point where I appriciate the play for all the work and such and such blah blah blah, I really do, it was a lot of time spent. But the artistic reasult just doesn't click with me, I mean, I feel emberassed during performances, and its not as bad now that I can not do Suzuki stances. And I REALLY like Suzuki, its SO COOL, but in the play, everything just came together is too hodge-podge for me. Call me a Kubrick, but I like the most seamless and perfect plays ever. Which, of course, is simply not possible in high school, and not when you have so many minds collaborating together in visuals.
dissertation on my reasons for high standards of cultural homogeny? no time, but thats what seperates my blog from soooo many others!
Still in love. the end.
Play performance tommorow. Thats to so comforting, its got to the point where I appriciate the play for all the work and such and such blah blah blah, I really do, it was a lot of time spent. But the artistic reasult just doesn't click with me, I mean, I feel emberassed during performances, and its not as bad now that I can not do Suzuki stances. And I REALLY like Suzuki, its SO COOL, but in the play, everything just came together is too hodge-podge for me. Call me a Kubrick, but I like the most seamless and perfect plays ever. Which, of course, is simply not possible in high school, and not when you have so many minds collaborating together in visuals.
dissertation on my reasons for high standards of cultural homogeny? no time, but thats what seperates my blog from soooo many others!
Still in love. the end.
november 19, 2003
so appearently
I love someone, but my fierce and frightened individuality is frizzing out. I am loved, too.
november 18, 2003
a good day
I am appearetnyl unable to be productive anymore, but love is grand.
I need a break, this weekend is so far away, only tuesday, only only tuesday...
I need a break, this weekend is so far away, only tuesday, only only tuesday...
Horrible nights
I caaaaaaaaaan't sleep, and I really should go to swimming tomorrow, but its almost one and I am not asleep and I would rather keep my body intact and miss a workout for one day, I say. All of these things that take priority in my life seem really trivial sometimes, and the same goes for homework in those classes I do not like particularly much. This is just the same old rant about the futility of high school life, or my own weakness and intolerance of it, you can fill in the rest, I have other things to discuss.
ITS, apparently there has been talk of removing me as treasurer. Whatever, you people can have it, I do not have the energy or the interest to keep some girl from taking over, you go have a go at the post, maybe you, too, can become president one day! Woooohoooo!
Relationships are a funny thing, and I'm really funny about them. And I burden them with my problems, and they tend to hold up for the most part (knock on wood). I am just happy some people are being the utmost in patience with me, it makes me feel good, and maybe this horrible night with the tears and insomnia and whatnot forshadow a breakthrough! Woooohoooo!
ITS, apparently there has been talk of removing me as treasurer. Whatever, you people can have it, I do not have the energy or the interest to keep some girl from taking over, you go have a go at the post, maybe you, too, can become president one day! Woooohoooo!
Relationships are a funny thing, and I'm really funny about them. And I burden them with my problems, and they tend to hold up for the most part (knock on wood). I am just happy some people are being the utmost in patience with me, it makes me feel good, and maybe this horrible night with the tears and insomnia and whatnot forshadow a breakthrough! Woooohoooo!
november 17, 2003
satisfrying, or is it?
I have appearently lost all ability to eat fried foods, which I guess is a plus, but I'll have a seizure next year at the fair... if I get to go. I've been thinking an awful lot about what happens later, what is going to go down when the school year is done. Will I go on a trip? My parents suggest in strong language that even though it is a year between high school and college, celebration of ANY KIND is FORBIDDEN. Which, of course, is not favorable to myself, but we'll deal with it later. What about all my friends? Who will I still keep in touch with? What about relationships? Thats scares me, I do not want to think about it now. I don't want to worry whether we're going to stay together 'til we die. good song. I'm tired, goodnight!
november 16, 2003
I had a...
night more amazing than any other for all the right reasons, I'm so happy that maybe I can have something out of school that isn't viola, something that actually makes me happy or comfortable, or just better. I hope for an enjoyable time, I could live for a thousand years...
november 15, 2003
party
Soooo, I went to third place today and blah de blah de blah met some friends, met some more friends, met the friends I had gone their for, had fun, went outside, got cold, got a number, got home, got really giddy.
Like A little School Girl!
At later reflection, I really and sincerely hope that this isn't just another high. It's really important for me and my well-being (read: grades) to not suffer some crippling downfall. Not to put pressure on the concerned and relevant parties, its just, I'm all ups or downs, and I hope you can take my downs with as much grace as you can take my intrest.
Like A little School Girl!
At later reflection, I really and sincerely hope that this isn't just another high. It's really important for me and my well-being (read: grades) to not suffer some crippling downfall. Not to put pressure on the concerned and relevant parties, its just, I'm all ups or downs, and I hope you can take my downs with as much grace as you can take my intrest.
november 13, 2003
fuh
I feel like ass and I keep falling asleep on homework. My weekends have become one giant nap time and I want to get this play over NOW.
I really don't have anything interesting to account to you, great conversation with alex in env sci today, made it worthwhile. I think someone is hitting on me, but whenever I raise those kinds of speculations it is instantly assumed that I must clearly be looking for an excuse to like this person. Not true, I say, its just a matter of what I perceive to be somebody showig intrest, and the directness of their advances. It could all just be in my head, that whole emotional investment complex I seem to heartily live by has left me at a loss as to how to adequately guage human intrest and proper response, puld, everyone just scares me, I get the nagging feeling that the concerns raised by myself are never considered legit, and I'm just some dumb, desperate, love-sick, fumbling boy. It is not to say that I proclaim to be particularly good at social interactions, its really just the exact opposite, appearently poor mental health genes run in my family, on both sides, and that ain't cool, kids. This now leads me to discuss the merits of cognitive versus interactive treatment plans for psychological patients. I, personally, find neither way a reason for shame, which has a bizarre pseudo-taboo that inundates our culture (there is Dr Katz (old-school Comedy Central) juxtaposing jokes whereas you ostrasize someone for being weak and having to see a 'shrink') that just frustrates me to the attitude of mental health and health in general with most Americans. However, staying on topic, the pills, the pills, I never think I could use them. While some people do need them, and there is no way around that simply because of the magnatude of their diagnosis, I myself could not possibly picture myself in that situation, simply becuase it hasn't happened... yet? My fear of becoming dependent on psycho-stabilizing drugs is a fear of mine, that my whole emotional well being is hinged on a single pill? It's giving too much power over my life to one simple factor. Talking to a doctor, there's where my gold lies (when did this become a treasure metaphor? i don't know), it gives the convenience of 'having someone to talk to' which is important to me coupled with the opportunity to 'fix oneself', which is always favorable in the eyes of a control-freak, and we all know how that goes... In conclusion, I will talk to a shrink, and stop writing pages-long blog posts to avoid the mountains of work which cause me undue stress.
I really don't have anything interesting to account to you, great conversation with alex in env sci today, made it worthwhile. I think someone is hitting on me, but whenever I raise those kinds of speculations it is instantly assumed that I must clearly be looking for an excuse to like this person. Not true, I say, its just a matter of what I perceive to be somebody showig intrest, and the directness of their advances. It could all just be in my head, that whole emotional investment complex I seem to heartily live by has left me at a loss as to how to adequately guage human intrest and proper response, puld, everyone just scares me, I get the nagging feeling that the concerns raised by myself are never considered legit, and I'm just some dumb, desperate, love-sick, fumbling boy. It is not to say that I proclaim to be particularly good at social interactions, its really just the exact opposite, appearently poor mental health genes run in my family, on both sides, and that ain't cool, kids. This now leads me to discuss the merits of cognitive versus interactive treatment plans for psychological patients. I, personally, find neither way a reason for shame, which has a bizarre pseudo-taboo that inundates our culture (there is Dr Katz (old-school Comedy Central) juxtaposing jokes whereas you ostrasize someone for being weak and having to see a 'shrink') that just frustrates me to the attitude of mental health and health in general with most Americans. However, staying on topic, the pills, the pills, I never think I could use them. While some people do need them, and there is no way around that simply because of the magnatude of their diagnosis, I myself could not possibly picture myself in that situation, simply becuase it hasn't happened... yet? My fear of becoming dependent on psycho-stabilizing drugs is a fear of mine, that my whole emotional well being is hinged on a single pill? It's giving too much power over my life to one simple factor. Talking to a doctor, there's where my gold lies (when did this become a treasure metaphor? i don't know), it gives the convenience of 'having someone to talk to' which is important to me coupled with the opportunity to 'fix oneself', which is always favorable in the eyes of a control-freak, and we all know how that goes... In conclusion, I will talk to a shrink, and stop writing pages-long blog posts to avoid the mountains of work which cause me undue stress.
november 12, 2003
a day of sleep means a night of homework
I was going to include sex in the title, but I did not because I'm feeling that unsex right now, people.
Angela said she got a $15 digital camera so she MUST tell me where and how, and then probably that it isn't real or a masstype or that she wants me, bad.
I slept from 2am Monday to 2pm Tuesday. I woke up and ate, and then slept from 330ish to 545: I'm going to be up all night doing the homework I was too busy sleeping to do earlier until, I would guess, 4am on Wednesday. I will then wake up at about 7am (and miss swimming TWO DAYS IN A ROW, GASP) on Wednesday and go to school either not really tired at all b/c I got so much Tuesday, or I will wish for the most painful death my potato peeler than the misery of exhaustion I will be living at school. Then I will have play practice, and I hate drama. I hate it so much, maybe not hate, but I'm tired of the Nightingale, folks. I love it to death, but I have acted so much for the children I would rather shove them into a blender and make kidsmoothies, MMMMMMMM RICH AND CREAMY. I <3 acting, and kids, don't get me wrong, but the time and energy exerted into this play and the stuff outside the play are so great, in my mind and in my grades, that I really just want the luxury of not doing it Nightingale again ever the end. Except that we have NC theatre competition a week from this saturday, and maybe I can meet (wink wink) people there. I dunno, I'm going to go write an english paper now that was due monday, b/c I put quality in my work, or rather, do everything in my life really half-assed now.
Angela said she got a $15 digital camera so she MUST tell me where and how, and then probably that it isn't real or a masstype or that she wants me, bad.
I slept from 2am Monday to 2pm Tuesday. I woke up and ate, and then slept from 330ish to 545: I'm going to be up all night doing the homework I was too busy sleeping to do earlier until, I would guess, 4am on Wednesday. I will then wake up at about 7am (and miss swimming TWO DAYS IN A ROW, GASP) on Wednesday and go to school either not really tired at all b/c I got so much Tuesday, or I will wish for the most painful death my potato peeler than the misery of exhaustion I will be living at school. Then I will have play practice, and I hate drama. I hate it so much, maybe not hate, but I'm tired of the Nightingale, folks. I love it to death, but I have acted so much for the children I would rather shove them into a blender and make kidsmoothies, MMMMMMMM RICH AND CREAMY. I <3 acting, and kids, don't get me wrong, but the time and energy exerted into this play and the stuff outside the play are so great, in my mind and in my grades, that I really just want the luxury of not doing it Nightingale again ever the end. Except that we have NC theatre competition a week from this saturday, and maybe I can meet (wink wink) people there. I dunno, I'm going to go write an english paper now that was due monday, b/c I put quality in my work, or rather, do everything in my life really half-assed now.
november 11, 2003
I'm up too late
and being up to late means a meaningless soliloquey of which I will be ashamed in the morning, I suppose. fdmgdvfdsgfdsfsdagasbvsleep
november 08, 2003
façade pronouned "Fak-aid"
So I was going to wrtie something profound, but I don't have the time or energy, so if you even care then contemplate on the idea that reality is mutually exclusive to the individual. God or no god, gays or no gays, liberals or conservatives are right... things of that shade. Let it stew in your brain and see what comes out.
As for myself, the endless anxiety that hangs over my head can be likened to the mustard gas that burned thousands of people's lungs alive throughout the ages (though I do believe it was only readily available in this 'age'). Ya, its there, its hanging around, an its delightfully scathing residue is covering everything that it can in me. I suppose mustard gas isn't a good similie because I'm not 'burning' on the inside. Maybe more like Nitrous Oxide because its blinking out my energy and consuming my activites and health. I wouldn't declare it deadly, or anything like that, and I suppose it isn't oo much of a complaint, but my worry is always my future, I'm tired of schoolwork, all I hunger for is time to work on some art, b/c thats the only thing I feel like I can adequately finish and feel satisfied of. I hunger satisfaction, not in the sexual sense, just that deep and refreshing psychological glow you get when you can do work that works in harmonic tune with your mind. I sound like a hippie or someone on some explicit drug and I'm wasting my writing eloquence making myself happy. So I will go write about Joseph Andrews now, maybe I can get a little more lyrical with the paper than normal if I try to think of it as something as personal as this.
As for myself, the endless anxiety that hangs over my head can be likened to the mustard gas that burned thousands of people's lungs alive throughout the ages (though I do believe it was only readily available in this 'age'). Ya, its there, its hanging around, an its delightfully scathing residue is covering everything that it can in me. I suppose mustard gas isn't a good similie because I'm not 'burning' on the inside. Maybe more like Nitrous Oxide because its blinking out my energy and consuming my activites and health. I wouldn't declare it deadly, or anything like that, and I suppose it isn't oo much of a complaint, but my worry is always my future, I'm tired of schoolwork, all I hunger for is time to work on some art, b/c thats the only thing I feel like I can adequately finish and feel satisfied of. I hunger satisfaction, not in the sexual sense, just that deep and refreshing psychological glow you get when you can do work that works in harmonic tune with your mind. I sound like a hippie or someone on some explicit drug and I'm wasting my writing eloquence making myself happy. So I will go write about Joseph Andrews now, maybe I can get a little more lyrical with the paper than normal if I try to think of it as something as personal as this.
november 07, 2003
If you forget my name... you will go astray...
trapped in a bay
I'm so tired and I'm getting stress-sick (again). The best cure: a fun weekend, but it will also be hectic as everybody demands time with them. I haven't even tried to coordinate anything, all I know is that I'm going to be at the AFS booth at the international festival on saturday from 8 to 10. Maiko is gone to Wilson, and it kinda sucks not having a sibling, I think its the only thing keeping me sane since I'm 'weak' enough to totally fall apart without at least one close relationship to me, such as someone to date, and I'm already falling apart again. I feel so weak this year, I keep getting ill and unhappy. but enough about my problems, everyone else's: half of them are bullshit stupid pretenscious crap and the rest are not even fucking problems. For those few that do have real issues: whine, a lot, it may not fix anything, but it may make you feel better, or at lleast thats howit seems to work out for me.
I hope I don't sound like this when I'm talking to people, total asshole.
I'm so tired and I'm getting stress-sick (again). The best cure: a fun weekend, but it will also be hectic as everybody demands time with them. I haven't even tried to coordinate anything, all I know is that I'm going to be at the AFS booth at the international festival on saturday from 8 to 10. Maiko is gone to Wilson, and it kinda sucks not having a sibling, I think its the only thing keeping me sane since I'm 'weak' enough to totally fall apart without at least one close relationship to me, such as someone to date, and I'm already falling apart again. I feel so weak this year, I keep getting ill and unhappy. but enough about my problems, everyone else's: half of them are bullshit stupid pretenscious crap and the rest are not even fucking problems. For those few that do have real issues: whine, a lot, it may not fix anything, but it may make you feel better, or at lleast thats howit seems to work out for me.
I hope I don't sound like this when I'm talking to people, total asshole.
november 06, 2003
guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh
My imood face did not change, but adjective changed!!!
november 05, 2003
oh, crest, oh crest.... and downfall
My dad came hoem today. Not of particular mention until he came up to my room and spoke with me after dinner. His company failed to go public, so he told me. It failed two weeks ago... and I found out the day it did. he then proceeded to force a conversation whereapon he asked me a bunch of questions of no relevance "how are you? are you busy enough? how is Maiko? &c &c" and then pops the question "Do you think Maiko should be spending so much time e-mailing her friends?" which is completely random, then he launches into a little tirade in which he concludes that Maiko isn't learning english fast enough b/c he can tell. I have to inform him that, for starters, Maiko doesn't spend all that much time e-mailing, secondly, it doesn't affect her english skills because there are no opportunities for her to do anything else on a school night when she has no homework, a secondly, he isn't even home enough to make a judgement call on her english skills and he has absolutely nothing to base that judgement on b/c she has nothing to say to him anyway because he is kinda creepy and makes her uncomfortable. It really bothers me that I can't tell him that, and it bothers me how he treats everyone in this house like they've suffered some terrible stroke that severly limits reasoning and fact-retaining abilities; and then I have to hold his hand through the lives he has absolutely no direct part in but "funding" and I can't include him in anything because he refuses to accept that we've all not grown up since second grade.
On a different, though no less serious note, Toms blog frightens me, I think it has been giving the most unsubtle hints as to his personal opinion of me, so instead of asking him directly, as I am want to do, I will simply post it and let everybody read into my fears and insecurities, which seems strangely much easier to do. Am I being childish or immature on the issue of ITS? I don't know, I think if the option of suspending me as treasurer arises again, I would proabably just retire and then proceed to do nothing for the organization and fall into disfavor, b/c I somehow find myself changing priorities without other peoples' feelings or needs kept in account. This also raises the issue of if individuals which find my general behavior towards them as obnoxious, annoying, irresponsible, or whatever negative adjectives can be dreamt up. I don't know if I have the energy to address these issues, as my life has gotten a strange focus on academics (which is not having results, see: my mediocre grades) and swimming, even though I'm definitely one of the worst for my (1.5) years of experience, I'm kinda weak, but this season I promise not to develop anorexia so maybe I can gain positive bodymass.
Is that really important, though?
I do not feel like I have any worthwhile direction...
On a different, though no less serious note, Toms blog frightens me, I think it has been giving the most unsubtle hints as to his personal opinion of me, so instead of asking him directly, as I am want to do, I will simply post it and let everybody read into my fears and insecurities, which seems strangely much easier to do. Am I being childish or immature on the issue of ITS? I don't know, I think if the option of suspending me as treasurer arises again, I would proabably just retire and then proceed to do nothing for the organization and fall into disfavor, b/c I somehow find myself changing priorities without other peoples' feelings or needs kept in account. This also raises the issue of if individuals which find my general behavior towards them as obnoxious, annoying, irresponsible, or whatever negative adjectives can be dreamt up. I don't know if I have the energy to address these issues, as my life has gotten a strange focus on academics (which is not having results, see: my mediocre grades) and swimming, even though I'm definitely one of the worst for my (1.5) years of experience, I'm kinda weak, but this season I promise not to develop anorexia so maybe I can gain positive bodymass.
Is that really important, though?
I do not feel like I have any worthwhile direction...
november 04, 2003
yes, I did write that
ColorOfHo: I miss you
LilRosy21: I DON'T
ColorOfHo: or rather, as it seems to be, in this situation, I have written, as it is called, too much Jojo andrews, and the situation, at hand, appears to have, if I may say in a vulgar sense, driven, if I may use that harsh verb, so harsh and cruel to the fairer sex, as they are called, me insane, if it is decent at all to use that word, as some people find it offensive
ColorOfHo: *read, not written
LilRosy21: WOW
ColorOfHo: which is not to say, you, of all people, of course, don't have the, as to say, fortitude, but, that in a sense, is not my call, as I am not a member, if indeed genders have members, outside of the dirty sense for the men, of the fairer sex, if I may use that word
LilRosy21: WHAT the HELL
LilRosy21: I DON'T
ColorOfHo: or rather, as it seems to be, in this situation, I have written, as it is called, too much Jojo andrews, and the situation, at hand, appears to have, if I may say in a vulgar sense, driven, if I may use that harsh verb, so harsh and cruel to the fairer sex, as they are called, me insane, if it is decent at all to use that word, as some people find it offensive
ColorOfHo: *read, not written
LilRosy21: WOW
ColorOfHo: which is not to say, you, of all people, of course, don't have the, as to say, fortitude, but, that in a sense, is not my call, as I am not a member, if indeed genders have members, outside of the dirty sense for the men, of the fairer sex, if I may use that word
LilRosy21: WHAT the HELL
november 03, 2003
Madness
Me and Maiko got japanese goodies at the grocery store and made it to TYP, get this, ON TIME. I'm so easily made happy, so now I am uber-hyper so I ttok anti-histamines as a means of getting myself to sleep, b/c thats important, because swim team is now EVERY DAY.
I really have nothing deep to say, or even intelligent, Just kinda writing to myself and keeping tabs on my own life.
I really have nothing deep to say, or even intelligent, Just kinda writing to myself and keeping tabs on my own life.
november 01, 2003
Party woo, party woo
Franklin street: Its long, its interesting, a its a few miles from south UNC campus which seems even longer when one gets to trudge back and forth in heels. I had so much fun last night, I kept hearing compliments to my costume, which I am wearing again tonight for the sake of being part of a HOT LESBIAN COUPLE with a christian-themed pimp, enough to make any pastor weep. I do not think I will be able to danse too much, my feet are still dying from last night, and more of that tonight is going to not be uber-fun, but at least I won't be walking to every frat house at S&M because they have none!!! Woooooooo!!!
And I woke up at 8am to move my car so it wouldn't get towed from the event parking lot.
I'm feeling a lot better, half the time I'm almost emberassed by what I write (see entry below), i give so much out on the interenet, but I am going to pretend like its cool b/c it does make me feel better, and it lets people know whats going on in the lame psychological drama that is my life.
P.S. I smell like a cafeteria, there is so much free-floating grease at UNC's Chase Cafeterium that I will never be able to get the smel out until it is eaten by the cholrine of swimming on monday.
And I woke up at 8am to move my car so it wouldn't get towed from the event parking lot.
I'm feeling a lot better, half the time I'm almost emberassed by what I write (see entry below), i give so much out on the interenet, but I am going to pretend like its cool b/c it does make me feel better, and it lets people know whats going on in the lame psychological drama that is my life.
P.S. I smell like a cafeteria, there is so much free-floating grease at UNC's Chase Cafeterium that I will never be able to get the smel out until it is eaten by the cholrine of swimming on monday.
október 30, 2003
HIGH-low-HIGH-low-HIGH-low-low-low-HIGH-low
hey, guys? I think its a bad sign, I do not know who bad religion is, and I can not play the keyboard and porn stars are HOT, thats THE BEST THING EVER, for me, maybe, until I get herpies from my 'love intrest'
I was watching ER, and that mom burning herself, oh my god, I was trying so hard not to simply throw myself out of the family room window. That shit is harsh, and I'm also a giant pansy...
I realized that yes, today, my boobs were big, but my mom's are STILL BIGGER, which seems like an odd observation, but it is really true, its crazy, I don't like boobs, god bless not having them, being a guy and such (if I were a girl, they would have to be f'n HUGE, or I would make them that way (with socks (and tissue paper) ) ).
Everyone will be GONE for halloween, b/c of that mother-fucking rigatta, shit on a stick, I definitely could not be in crew, the fact that me and the drama department don't get along so hot because it makes me do stuff I don't want to at times I really don't want to? It wouldn't work out, and I'm a spoiled brat. I realize how much I take my freedom for granted, and how personally demanding I am to everyone around me, I'm impressed, I was raised right, I really only have myself to blame.
I really only write in this because I need to get my impressions out, it has cut down on my wandering around my room talking to myself, which I think is good, b/c appearently it doesn't make the crazy abate, it just worsens the psychological situation.
október 25, 2003
the result
it isn't midnight, but I can tell you I have done all english assignments!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Also, my face is comign off b/c I have new medicine, which is hot and will definitely make me the bell of the ball at the GSA social tommorow.
Also, my face is comign off b/c I have new medicine, which is hot and will definitely make me the bell of the ball at the GSA social tommorow.
Saturday is the day (for working)
Today, I promise you, my sexy readers, that the entire day will be spent doing work. I am no longer sick to any point more than a mild head- and neck-ache, and so I have 4 homework assignments in calc and 4 in english to get done, I also have environmental science to do. I promise you, oh so sexy reader, that at around midight I will post the results of my day of working and tell you how far I get. I will not let you down, I will not disappint you, I will improve my grades for me and you. And then everyone, or mostly I, will be happy and not as stressed.
I promise.
I promise.
október 24, 2003
Big No-No, kiddies
"the school is gay"
"as in fucking shit hellish place gay"
damn it, most gay people aren't depressed because they are gay, at least not when they are an adult and out and stuff, thats just obnoxious and demeaning.
Post-scriptum damn it, wishing you weren't gay only makes you more and more unhappy, you have to buck up if you ever want to be to any degree positive and happy, its how you are and wishing you weren't leaves you sad and very very very vulnerable to attack from other people which will just put you in a worst place. Strength is hard, I know, but crying over the spilled milk which is your deviant sexuality never comes out productive, its like the pre-1960s all over again.
"as in fucking shit hellish place gay"
damn it, most gay people aren't depressed because they are gay, at least not when they are an adult and out and stuff, thats just obnoxious and demeaning.
Post-scriptum damn it, wishing you weren't gay only makes you more and more unhappy, you have to buck up if you ever want to be to any degree positive and happy, its how you are and wishing you weren't leaves you sad and very very very vulnerable to attack from other people which will just put you in a worst place. Strength is hard, I know, but crying over the spilled milk which is your deviant sexuality never comes out productive, its like the pre-1960s all over again.
október 21, 2003
WOOOOO
So i'm really sick, but at night i get these burst of feverish activity where I can't really think but I get all hyper and weird and I really want to jump off the walls but i can't because if I do I'll probably explode and I'm really warm and shakey, i need more food, my body, i believe, is eating itself....
hfuisdghiusdyajsoifjguahyaiouy!
hfuisdghiusdyajsoifjguahyaiouy!
október 20, 2003
oh blah dee
I was reading the webogs of ofter individuals and I realized that with the exception of posting what other people have said and done, this is probably the most negative of all. I never say anything positive, and I get sick a lot. Or at least I tell the blog that, I can't recall...
Illness was her name-o
x angelajoyce x: <3
x angelajoyce x: get that baby?
x angelajoyce x: big AND bold!
x angelajoyce x: just like aj
... except that it was around 200 point, f'n huge
x angelajoyce x: get that baby?
x angelajoyce x: big AND bold!
x angelajoyce x: just like aj
... except that it was around 200 point, f'n huge
back
I got back from NY sunday, and am now sick. Everything i am trying to do, any simple task or work is just some abstract notion that I can't even begin to move and there is no horizon in sight
október 12, 2003
Too dumb for skool
aaahh, I don't want to do work anymore, and I haven't even started it yet today, too bust procrastinating...
and listening to Bjork,
jesus, so much bjork
and listening to Bjork,
jesus, so much bjork
október 10, 2003
*Insert disapproving noises here*
I surrender. I can not do schoolwork, I am useless. I put on my shoes of failure, and shuffle away from the door which was my promising academic future. I remember once in conversation with Rachelann and Angela I said how I prioritize drama over english. Now that drama has rendered itself no longer my refuge, I have no reason to dodge english (or any other class, for that matter), and that lays bare the souless truth: I am in direct control of my future, at least on this aspect of my life, and all I can do is pine about my homework and opine about my situation. Someone told me how homework is fairly far from primary on your pyramid of needs, and that ideal or at least partial-ideal that can get me close enough to stable-feeling to get work done has been so shattered, as I no longer feel safe, and I no longer can control or even forecast a bit my emotions, I can't do much of anything.
and I wake up and it is now 723 am
I love that a llaptop fits on my bed
and I wake up and it is now 723 am
I love that a llaptop fits on my bed
október 08, 2003
Lily Tomlin makes me hot
everybody keeps telling me shit is happening, but then they have abstract terms so I'm not quite sure of the subject, the action, or anything else stupid like 'concrete facts'.
MamacitaCandida: i was like ;LKADGOIAUWREOA;HFKL JWHAT?
I haven't done shit for work in sooo long, I procrastinate when I shouldn't, and have to really haul some serious ass.
MamacitaCandida: i was like ;LKADGOIAUWREOA;HFKL JWHAT?
I haven't done shit for work in sooo long, I procrastinate when I shouldn't, and have to really haul some serious ass.
pancuronium bromide, my drug to kill people of choice
In Tennessee and about 30 other states, the chemical is used in combination with two others. The other chemicals can either ease or exacerbate the suffering the pancuronium bromide causes, depending on the dosages and the expertise of the prison personnel who administer them.
A judge here recently found that pancuronium bromide, marketed under the trade name Pavulon, has "no legitimate purpose."
"The subject gives all the appearances of a serene expiration when actually the subject is feeling and perceiving the excruciatingly painful ordeal of death by lethal injection," the judge, Ellen Hobbs Lyle, wrote, describing the worst-case scenario. "The Pavulon gives a false impression of serenity to viewers, making punishment by death more palatable and acceptable to society."
A judge here recently found that pancuronium bromide, marketed under the trade name Pavulon, has "no legitimate purpose."
"The subject gives all the appearances of a serene expiration when actually the subject is feeling and perceiving the excruciatingly painful ordeal of death by lethal injection," the judge, Ellen Hobbs Lyle, wrote, describing the worst-case scenario. "The Pavulon gives a false impression of serenity to viewers, making punishment by death more palatable and acceptable to society."
október 07, 2003
Where else could I be but in your pants?
New song: "Don't touch my bikini" by the Halo Benders. Mainly because a bass guy sings "Don't touch my bikiniiiii" *BEST BOING SOUND EVER* (some more song) "holy boinkers" (more soung till it ends with more *BEST BOING SOUNDS TO MAKE MY SOUL COMPLETE*). And there are more great songs that I never even knew existed, I feel so complete, in a musical sense.
and I haven't played viola in over a week outside of TYP and school (its a big deal for me).
I've been busy, but procrastinated sooo much, I do not think I'll get into any worthwhile school.
I think I need to go to Japan this summer and get a job there, b/c just a plain old summer job isn't enough.
and I haven't played viola in over a week outside of TYP and school (its a big deal for me).
I've been busy, but procrastinated sooo much, I do not think I'll get into any worthwhile school.
I think I need to go to Japan this summer and get a job there, b/c just a plain old summer job isn't enough.
október 05, 2003
well, some fucked up, on more than one count
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/05/international/middleeast/05OIL.html?8bl
"The problem is this," L. Paul Bremer III, the top civilian administrator in Iraq, asserted at a Senate hearing two weeks ago: "The oil infrastructure was severely run down over the last 20 years, and partly because of sanctions over the last decade."
well, shit. I didn't mind the hundreds of thousands of children that died from the sanctions, but I can't believe they would ever do anything like harm our sweet, sweet oil. I should drive my fucking Hummer right up to Capitol Hill or the White House and see what my illustrious government will do to fix this problem so that Iraqi can pay us back for liberating them.
At a costume sale I bought normal person pants, and other non-descrip clothing. I'm so cool and trendy it hurts my over-privlaged, artsy soul to the core.
and I'm feeling virulenty left, and angry for some reason...
"The problem is this," L. Paul Bremer III, the top civilian administrator in Iraq, asserted at a Senate hearing two weeks ago: "The oil infrastructure was severely run down over the last 20 years, and partly because of sanctions over the last decade."
well, shit. I didn't mind the hundreds of thousands of children that died from the sanctions, but I can't believe they would ever do anything like harm our sweet, sweet oil. I should drive my fucking Hummer right up to Capitol Hill or the White House and see what my illustrious government will do to fix this problem so that Iraqi can pay us back for liberating them.
At a costume sale I bought normal person pants, and other non-descrip clothing. I'm so cool and trendy it hurts my over-privlaged, artsy soul to the core.
and I'm feeling virulenty left, and angry for some reason...
október 02, 2003
TheraFlu is for Lovers
sweet, sweet Hamlet and TheraFlu,
each night is like a party without the alcohol, this calls for a mild addiction to one nighttime cold and flu medication
dresses: not just for girls anymore, or at least not always
drag boys make (some of) the girls hot
Friday is going to be really rachelannempty, and that sucks much
not getting what little homework I have done, I suck at being a student
NO WINTER PLAY, mom won't let me, for my grades' sakes, I won't complain.
each night is like a party without the alcohol, this calls for a mild addiction to one nighttime cold and flu medication
dresses: not just for girls anymore, or at least not always
drag boys make (some of) the girls hot
Friday is going to be really rachelannempty, and that sucks much
not getting what little homework I have done, I suck at being a student
NO WINTER PLAY, mom won't let me, for my grades' sakes, I won't complain.
október 01, 2003
all in all, a very very bad day, very bad
This morning was beautiful, downright gorgous, I thought today was going to be absolutely great. I did not know, however, that the hissy fit I threw at Angela and Rosa (that concluded very well) would only be a foreshadowing. 6th period wasn't so bad, until the end, when I snapped, like my 5-y/o self tends to do, and from there I was alunched into the worst mood of the month, and I'm counting it as September, b/c it was fairly mild. So Delia pseudo-snapped at the class, no biggie, it really wasn't much at all, but it set something off inside of me (I feel like a fucking writer from 'the enlightenment') and it was really a giant downward spiral for the remainder of the day, I managed to get REALLY pissed off at a friend and find some reason to dislike him for all his flaws, I got snappy, I got bitchy, I in short became the most unpleasent person I can be. And I had some bizzare outpouring of emotion all over Anna, that I must admit, scares the bejesus out of me.
september 29, 2003
Professor, what's another name for pirate's treasure?
All of my APES papers which have been done on this computer are called: "Bitchface" "EmptyMYASS" "FishSHITbiblio" "PondBullSHIT" "ScientificDevMYASS"
In that order.
My Mondays need to seriously get unloaded, TYP is so much time and energy, ad I really can't work in the mornings anymore, its most unfortunate and damaing to my health, blah whatever, school doesn't care about personal well-being.
Maiko has instilled in me a great fear of flying bugs. Never before did I have such great problems with moths, but while writing this enrty, a HUGE ASS moth flew in, and we chased it around with a T-square for a while. Once it chased us into the family room, Maiko armed me with shimbun (Shimboon) and I slawed the beast after confusing it with the T-square, 5 solid whacks on the floor before it stopped crawling away. It became a mercy-killing after the first two hits. I need to burn incense for it, I just killed something most deliberately.
In that order.
My Mondays need to seriously get unloaded, TYP is so much time and energy, ad I really can't work in the mornings anymore, its most unfortunate and damaing to my health, blah whatever, school doesn't care about personal well-being.
Maiko has instilled in me a great fear of flying bugs. Never before did I have such great problems with moths, but while writing this enrty, a HUGE ASS moth flew in, and we chased it around with a T-square for a while. Once it chased us into the family room, Maiko armed me with shimbun (Shimboon) and I slawed the beast after confusing it with the T-square, 5 solid whacks on the floor before it stopped crawling away. It became a mercy-killing after the first two hits. I need to burn incense for it, I just killed something most deliberately.
september 28, 2003
So close to clubbing, yet...
this weekend I saw old friends and got work done and didn't go to a club, and got money, and worked some and got caught up with sleep and took a good shower and... thats about it.
i don't know how much good talking to people does me, or rather, how much good it does them. i feel a like a help dispenser from my Pez®© dispenser brain and those little candies difinitely don't do too much unless in large quantities (not really good help either, maybe, I've never seen the long-term fruits of my toil) and cherry-flavoured.
i do not capitolize my own pronoun, as capitolization is overrated, how bad will my grade be if I remove it from al my work, except german, becuase then every word could never be a noun b/c thats the way that language works.
i taught you something new...
i don't know how much good talking to people does me, or rather, how much good it does them. i feel a like a help dispenser from my Pez®© dispenser brain and those little candies difinitely don't do too much unless in large quantities (not really good help either, maybe, I've never seen the long-term fruits of my toil) and cherry-flavoured.
i do not capitolize my own pronoun, as capitolization is overrated, how bad will my grade be if I remove it from al my work, except german, becuase then every word could never be a noun b/c thats the way that language works.
i taught you something new...
IMOOD
I want it and have it: Imood, its really dorky, but its convey the fact that when I write some of these posts I'm neither suicidal nor homicidal, and I think its important you learn that...
My hands smell like sex; WHY DO THEY MOCK ME SO!?!?
I changed the title so you can watch it, and so I can get the late-night porn freaks to hit my site.
I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am ready to lose my train of thought while typing this sentence.
lost in translation wasn't the best movie ever, but damn, it made me and Maiko miss Tokyo so much.
I have nothing really productive to say, other than...
...
lost my train of thought again
going to bed
useless blog
one
word
per
line
I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am ready to lose my train of thought while typing this sentence.
lost in translation wasn't the best movie ever, but damn, it made me and Maiko miss Tokyo so much.
I have nothing really productive to say, other than...
...
lost my train of thought again
going to bed
useless blog
one
word
per
line
september 27, 2003
NO TITLE NEEDED
Killing dumb people isn't a solution, that just has to be said.
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/26/technology/26MUSI.html?8hpib
Its an article about piracy, and how I hate America b/c I can no longer break the law, life is rough, guys.
I'm going to some damn fine entertainment tommorow, curfews be damned (shock!) This week sucks, probably the worst one so far this year. I don't think I want to ask my teachers to go easy on me b/c I was gone at a funeral and all that, it really makes me feel like I'm being a victim. And after Felder's ex-day, I think goodness is a stupid lie, I don't know why I even care if that whole victim thing works or not, I don't care if my actions do good or bad, I do care if someone calls homosexuality a sin, shame on them, fuck their god, thats what I rudely say
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/26/technology/26MUSI.html?8hpib
Its an article about piracy, and how I hate America b/c I can no longer break the law, life is rough, guys.
I'm going to some damn fine entertainment tommorow, curfews be damned (shock!) This week sucks, probably the worst one so far this year. I don't think I want to ask my teachers to go easy on me b/c I was gone at a funeral and all that, it really makes me feel like I'm being a victim. And after Felder's ex-day, I think goodness is a stupid lie, I don't know why I even care if that whole victim thing works or not, I don't care if my actions do good or bad, I do care if someone calls homosexuality a sin, shame on them, fuck their god, thats what I rudely say
september 24, 2003
Senior quotes?
Don't I have something better to do?
I don't want to choose it now, the best one I have found and actually even bothered to write down is "Death is one thing, an end to birth is something else" (michael soule)
today felt like my check in fo drama: "I feel like everything is work today, even stuff of leisure; talking to people has become a job I don't want to do", and I felt that you should know it, b/c though I may not want to ever speak again, I still write in my blog...
it totally makes sense
I don't want to choose it now, the best one I have found and actually even bothered to write down is "Death is one thing, an end to birth is something else" (michael soule)
today felt like my check in fo drama: "I feel like everything is work today, even stuff of leisure; talking to people has become a job I don't want to do", and I felt that you should know it, b/c though I may not want to ever speak again, I still write in my blog...
it totally makes sense
Get a'workin
I have shit to do, lots of work, and a calc test that will undoubtedly destroy my brain stem.
This weekend will be wild.
and mom is fiiiiiiiiinaly back... thank'yee jebus
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/24/international/middleeast/24IRAQ.html
This weekend will be wild.
and mom is fiiiiiiiiinaly back... thank'yee jebus
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/24/international/middleeast/24IRAQ.html
sleep
I slept 11.5 hours last night
"Oh gee, AJ, you must feel great"
I don't have hardly any of my calculus finished and I didn't get any other homework done.
I have a calc test today
I had to read philosophy for english, but I didn't,
and a page or two in german to read just to catch up in German class,
I feel so hopeless, I'm posting on my blog instead of trying, I give up
"Oh gee, AJ, you must feel great"
I don't have hardly any of my calculus finished and I didn't get any other homework done.
I have a calc test today
I had to read philosophy for english, but I didn't,
and a page or two in german to read just to catch up in German class,
I feel so hopeless, I'm posting on my blog instead of trying, I give up
september 23, 2003
so tired
I better reap some damn good fruits from all this labor, jesus!
Have I become less friendly? I think maybe a little, but it isn't what I expected...
Have I become less friendly? I think maybe a little, but it isn't what I expected...
september 22, 2003
life = bullshit
Where the hell did all this fucking work come from?
Mother Fuck
Mother Fuck
I'm sorry about your loss, your mother was a terribly attractive woman
I don't know how to feel about school. All this learning is important, but I believe tha I'm probably doing my worst ever this year and I just don't know what to do to get more focused and diligent. I hate doing work for these classes and I just don't feel like most of what I'm learning this year actually benefits me but pays lip-service to some ineffectual state and school standards. Probably the only three classes I actually feel some obligation towards for later use in life are english, calculus, and drama IV: but the problem with that list is that I'm doing so shitty in all three! I might as well be failing the class b/c god knows my grade blows more than a whore in english. Calculus? Holy lord god almighty on a stick, I have a test that could just bend me over and turn my ass into the subject of a gay porn film, I'm getting raped beyond recognition in that class, and I just don't think I'm smart enough for it. Drama? Drama? I love acting but why the hell does that woman want to kick me out of ITS so bad? You mean I have other things I have to do, like attend some mother fucking funerals? What!? There is more to life than doing some god-forsaken children's theatre? I'm so furious that someone thought I wasn't telling the truth about THE DEATH OF MY GRANDMOTHER, why the FUCK would I make that shit up? And why should I be penalized if its true?
Fucking bullshit...
Fucking bullshit...
september 20, 2003
Now: with titles!!!
I will have no parade this weekend, I will babysit foreign exchange students in Efland. I will demand either action, or some sort of entertainment!
And also, I willl destroy Busonik and Felder, NO CLASS SHALL MAKE ME LEARN THIS YEAR!!!!!!
so tired, I'm crazy
And also, I willl destroy Busonik and Felder, NO CLASS SHALL MAKE ME LEARN THIS YEAR!!!!!!
so tired, I'm crazy
september 17, 2003
Back from Indiana, and its been a long while. I'm not sure how I feel about what to do now, family and school and everything and whatnot. I just really want to have somebody I can actually feel comfortable just getting a big comfort hug, I haven't had one in ages, and that was even before the funeral. God, the funeral was today, we left three hours after the fueral and I left my mom alone in Indiana with her family. Who'll lead the family? What'll keep it concrete? There is no one to centralize this matriarical family, I won't have anyone at my funeral, it'll be like my uncle, who's ashes just happened to be buried today also, with my grandmother, I guess he just wasn't good enough. Why is my aunt controlled by an ass who thinks japan and europe should never have gotten post-WWII aid from the US b/c now he can't buy a TV made in the US? Why are some of my cousins cool? Some gone? Some cowards? What year do we live in where a goddamn gay relationship with two motherfucking grown men is still a complete secret from an entire town? And why does this town have to make them so terrified of their personal welfare? I hate this place, this damn Indiana, this damn Kokomo, this wretched country...
blech
blech
september 14, 2003
Grandma dead! Do do, do dooooo!!!
I do not feel sad, but listening to my father and sister bemoan the death of my grandma, I think maybe I just do not take death as seriously, or as a frightening prospect. It seems, particularly with my dad, that having someone he knew die, it really only evokes the emotion of fear b/c he can only see his death. I'm not as sure about Sistah, I'd like to give her more credit for that.
and I feel harsh doing a little criticism game about how someone else's death shouldn't make you self-centered, but I guess it is a greiving process, and a necessary inflection. I don't know, I miss the cool 'ole lady, but I do not think her death has make me tear, just remeniscent. Or, again, maybe I'm just a fridgid, heartless being. Rejection by other people has become a far more painful process than having other's die, I suppose I am just as self-centered as the worse of them (hell, maybe even more so)
I do not feel sad, but listening to my father and sister bemoan the death of my grandma, I think maybe I just do not take death as seriously, or as a frightening prospect. It seems, particularly with my dad, that having someone he knew die, it really only evokes the emotion of fear b/c he can only see his death. I'm not as sure about Sistah, I'd like to give her more credit for that.
and I feel harsh doing a little criticism game about how someone else's death shouldn't make you self-centered, but I guess it is a greiving process, and a necessary inflection. I don't know, I miss the cool 'ole lady, but I do not think her death has make me tear, just remeniscent. Or, again, maybe I'm just a fridgid, heartless being. Rejection by other people has become a far more painful process than having other's die, I suppose I am just as self-centered as the worse of them (hell, maybe even more so)
september 10, 2003
Mmmmm, an orgasiming Catherine Hepbern is like... a chorus of angels!
http://www.theonion.com/3935/opinion1.html
If Wal-Mart were Catherine Hepburn...
http://www.theonion.com/3935/opinion1.html
If Wal-Mart were Catherine Hepburn...
september 09, 2003
and where the fuck did all this bad karma come from?
so screwed in every non-sexual contect that the word can be taken in, that sucks, and I sound so dumb in this post.
so dumb
so dumb
september 08, 2003
My computer broke
my headlight broke
my viola's A string broke
and my grandma is broken
no fixee
my headlight broke
my viola's A string broke
and my grandma is broken
no fixee
september 04, 2003
If you want to have good quality time, you need to lower the party number...
september 01, 2003
Good birthday, I would say, in a tame voice and with minimal hand gesturing
Upswings rock my world
And I'm Eighteen. Mark it, my birthday was September first.
the title is a quote, I swear. But it is really how I've been feeling it, these days. My mind makes me a habitually lonely person, or creepy. If I get it good, I can pull off both.
august 30, 2003
I'm having another one of those guilt trips about the family I am with and all the STUFF it entails. I think I may pack up a large portion of my room, just so that I don't feel so surrounded by MY CRAP that I can't even breathe.
I realized that I can get into college with money
- I need to focus my talent
- stop neglecting english and start neglecting AP Environmental Science
- chill out about the price of gas these days
- stop burning my bridges
- get myself in check with my anger
- stop being desperate
- stop caring about my parents opinion
- buy some eye makeup, 'cause goddamn, when my eyes start puffing up and looking like I'm wearing eyeliner I just don't have, I get lots of compliments, and hell, maybe even some of that attention I crave so superfluously
- stop superfluously craving attention
- socialize more
- interact with computer and TV less
- start working out, not as in 'swimming is nice because it makes aj look like an anorexia case', but 'who is that attractive young man who appears to be able to effortlessly lift at least half his body weight more than 2 inches off the ground for more than 3 seconds (i.e. inverse of now)'
Just thought I'dlet ya'll know
I realized that I can get into college with money
- I need to focus my talent
- stop neglecting english and start neglecting AP Environmental Science
- chill out about the price of gas these days
- stop burning my bridges
- get myself in check with my anger
- stop being desperate
- stop caring about my parents opinion
- buy some eye makeup, 'cause goddamn, when my eyes start puffing up and looking like I'm wearing eyeliner I just don't have, I get lots of compliments, and hell, maybe even some of that attention I crave so superfluously
- stop superfluously craving attention
- socialize more
- interact with computer and TV less
- start working out, not as in 'swimming is nice because it makes aj look like an anorexia case', but 'who is that attractive young man who appears to be able to effortlessly lift at least half his body weight more than 2 inches off the ground for more than 3 seconds (i.e. inverse of now)'
Just thought I'dlet ya'll know
august 28, 2003
So my computer (which I have named Maiko, for Maiko) is a bit too much like me where as it breaks down whenever it wants to and gets really bitchy and then we get in a bitter and resolute fight and then you fix me in some backdoor way. I think I pulled an Alex on Kate. Not so say Alex isn't good people, but coupled with Kate at certain times for even brief periods results in an often explosive (in the notsexyway) confrontation which is a clear disagreement between to personalities or moods. Such as has happened recently. I hate losing friends, and I hope that Kate will read this seriously. I'm sorry I acted in such a way to rightfully incur the wrath of your negative sentiments, I will only point out that I was very frustrated by the 'tell aj nothing' theme that ran throughout the conversation. Not telling me something as simple as the name of a new person of whom you are dating really angers me b/c I don't feel included as someone you enjoy anymore. If that is the case, kate, I ask that you only tell me how disinterested you have come in me an any way you feel appropriate, but say it directly. I want you to either like me or let me go, its extremely cowardly to just move on without giving me the closure any person deserves.
My computer broke and I have no Windows XP recovery cd... Aren't I supposed to get one and why the fuck is it messing up within 3 weeks of its arrival?
august 27, 2003
and I'm tired of wasting time on enviromental science. If they wanted to have a class of that nature actually be worth something they need to not make it such a joke.
That previous post was not actually asking for pity.
2nd RCHS GSA meeting EVER tommorow, I can only hope I will be not meek enough to get those children in line and play some games. I do wonder about the benefit of having this thing at school, I just don't know if I can inflict enough change to make a difference with some of those kids at the school, and I doubt the power if the club to help closeted kids. Its the same way with that and German homework: jesus there is a lot and when the hell will it work? I feel so dumb for German in Marschall's class I want Frau Mensch and the total lack of learning her class gave me the opportunity to do.
2nd RCHS GSA meeting EVER tommorow, I can only hope I will be not meek enough to get those children in line and play some games. I do wonder about the benefit of having this thing at school, I just don't know if I can inflict enough change to make a difference with some of those kids at the school, and I doubt the power if the club to help closeted kids. Its the same way with that and German homework: jesus there is a lot and when the hell will it work? I feel so dumb for German in Marschall's class I want Frau Mensch and the total lack of learning her class gave me the opportunity to do.
august 26, 2003
Not enough sleep is to be had in this unhappy land of AJsRoom. Feel bad, now.
I'M EIGHTEEN IN ONE WEEK!!!
I'M EIGHTEEN IN ONE WEEK!!!
august 24, 2003
Its illegal to show contraceptives on TV. Thanks republicans! (note: I do not blame conservatives, some do believe in the open use of contraceptives, however, the offical stance of the republican party is to not allow them to be seen, bad idea, Mr McMakeLotsaBabies)
august 19, 2003
New GSA, my baby. Poster situation was sketchy, are GSAers pulling them down b/c they think that i said it was okay? B/c its not, don't touch my stuff, I say so! Punks.
august 18, 2003
Stuck, and going downwards
august 17, 2003
I'm too smart now to write a blog entry this late, we all know how they'll turn out (see below). All I will say is: I took an hour-long trip to do stuff I wouldn't even drive ten minutes for had I known the evening would work out that way, and secondly I can't stand people, any of them. That is why I have eliminated myself the pain of having to listen to any of you by removing my chatterbox.
p.s. <3's for fucking everyone
p.s. <3's for fucking everyone
august 13, 2003
http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html
-the ping-pong game of your life
-the ping-pong game of your life
USELESS CRAP ON BLOG!
Wahoo.
p.s. I would like to make a shout-out to all my peeps who mentioned me in their blogs, or who have kick-ass blogs, or who don't read my uber-long entries in my blog.
Wahoo.
p.s. I would like to make a shout-out to all my peeps who mentioned me in their blogs, or who have kick-ass blogs, or who don't read my uber-long entries in my blog.
august 12, 2003
Today is the day for quoting The Onion
"Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it."
_I will give The Onion my babies!_
p.s. I'm a big dork
"Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it."
_I will give The Onion my babies!_
p.s. I'm a big dork
august 10, 2003
Maybe I just needed to chill.
What will happen when school crops up?
What will happen when school crops up?
Cambridge: A time that will be remembered for its bitter tears and absences of coordination. If ever a reader of this blog is offered to go to "the Cambridge College Programme", please, for the holy spleen of Jesus and the Virgin Mary's placenta, ABORT AT ALL COSTS. Instead, one should go to "The Cabridge Tradition". Why? B/c I just spent three weeks with 770 dumb kids to the extreme on coaches I would compliment by calling 'shitacular' in very good classes but almost no one to enjoy with. I have gone through arguably the three most gut-wrenching, heart-aching, painful, lonely, uncomfortable, fearful, and empty weeks that I hardly think I've come out whole from. But through and through this painful time I have learned many important things about myself: one, that I'm an aetheist; two, that I have something wrong in my head (psychological issue); three, that I hold grudges far too long; four, that I still have deep-seated anger issues that largely take the shape of profuse apologies or outright bitterness; five, that I am terribly dependent on people; six, that I'm staight-up Gay (heehee, straight); seven, that I think it is okay and that is all that matters; eight, that I have no self-confidence but what Image I die to make sure other people see and that is what I cling to; and nine, that I'm terribly dependent on others and at the same time in a self-inflicted limbo of loneliness.
I want to be seen as someone with strong morals and unshakeable ideas, but I find it questionable to whether I strive to instill this sense of inner strength to appeal people to like me, or in the unlikely event that it is actually who I am. And all I can do is bitch to this blog, which I know is read by other people to both get their attention to me and to provide me temporary relief from this self-inflicted burden I try so hard to put on my shoulders.
Christ on a stick, I'm fucking annoying as hell whiney-ass Bitch.
I want to be seen as someone with strong morals and unshakeable ideas, but I find it questionable to whether I strive to instill this sense of inner strength to appeal people to like me, or in the unlikely event that it is actually who I am. And all I can do is bitch to this blog, which I know is read by other people to both get their attention to me and to provide me temporary relief from this self-inflicted burden I try so hard to put on my shoulders.
Christ on a stick, I'm fucking annoying as hell whiney-ass Bitch.
júl 20, 2003
I am at an internet cafe and the line is stretching out the door. Sorry to be brief. My house is mostly annoying, and I haven't found a group yet, but classes start soon, wish me luck, kiddo's!
júl 16, 2003
I do not think that it is appropriate for me to do much posting while in cambridge. Consider this my farewell. It was good to stay at home and everything, but half of yall are too fucked up and I'm sure as hell done fixing, so I guess there is nothing left to say but goodbye for good. And by for good, I mean at least three weeks, but I'll try to isolate myself for that much longer. Promise.
júl 13, 2003
I have nobody, and I do not care. But I need to get around some new people, there isn't enough for me here, as much as I love my friends, there is just something missing in my collection of aquaitances and relationships. I need this Cambridge thing a whole lot.
and I'm starting a GSA next year, who wants to join?
and I'm starting a GSA next year, who wants to join?
júl 11, 2003
oh, well now that I'm going to greensboro and sharing a room with a girl, I guess now is a good time for my dad to start being there.
mom knows me well enough to not think I will have sex with Kate Ross.
mom knows me well enough to not think I will have sex with Kate Ross.
You all fail me. Every single one of you. Your imperfections drive me nuts. Some of you will never hear from me again, as it is my bidding, and by god, my unstoppable will to make it so. Call me crazy, but don't dare call me a perfectionist, b/c everyone has flaws, but not everyone fails. You are too meek. You are too shirt-sighted. You are too manipulative. You play favorties. You don't stand up for yourself. You treat everyone wrong. You want everything for yourself. You treat yourself like shit. I do not have the time to continue, b/c I am too tired to stay awake. But if you think you may be in the doghouse with me, than you probably are; and if you think you are probably fine with me, you are probably wrong. But there are certainly my friends wo use their heads, and those are above my hypocritical scorn. Maybe on vacation away from here I can find it easier to gloss over the failures which mine probably overshadow, but until then; I will mess around with boys in other cities, and live a self-destructivly as my middle-class standing will allow (which isn't much).
júl 09, 2003
I guess I should elaborate more. I mean when I feel objectified, I feel like people are pushing me into their own little ideals or setting me out from everyone else or not taking me as a whole person. J and T certainly did it, having their little 'moments' which I am to have no part in, and it certainly is whiney of me to bitch about how ou don't explain everything, even things you feel are exclusive, to me. But having a loud frantic attack in my car and then re-living a moment in vague and abstract terms isn't fair to me. I'm use to people clue-ing me into jokes they have or empathetic flashes of thought, it just really kinda pains me that you don't consider me worthy of your knowlage. And you still treat me like something kind of beneath you when moments like that happen. You wonder why I said "I'm a person!" loudly (and flailingly) when I did, I don't even feel like you acknowlage me as half a person without being 'lacey's little brother', and I even mentioned that to you. I really should say this to your face, but yall and lacey and anybody she is really good friends with just don't give me respect, and I'm afraid of you motherfuckers, I'm too tired and I just can't care about it anymore, but I can't hold it in myself any longer either.
As for my more immediate friends, who act like my distance is self-imposed: you don't know how I've been lately. I'm not fun. I'm not sexual. I'm not receptive. You're not the only people who can notice a dampering in my personality. It's just who I am, its just the way it is, and it isn't that fair of you to be angry at me for it, b/c it's ME, it's MY SOUL, it's MY WAY. It's what I do, and this is just such a part of me. I've changed, you dislike me, when you dislike my subdued nature.
In general: I'm tired, and sick. And I'm sick and tired of dealing with everyone and anyone. I can't even talk to my parents a fraction of the time I use to. I can't overcome the inadequacies of others and myself. I can't stop getting angry at people only learning in life, and I can't stop getting angry at myself. I don't want to even talk about politics b/c I'm no longer unpainfully empathetic. I can't stand to hear about politics b/c I know that everyone applies them wrong anyway. (as a side note: jason, we don't hate you b/c you are republican. are you even reading what we are saying?) I can't bear to be around anyone, and I can't stand being alone.
I guess I want you to just leave me alone.
As for my more immediate friends, who act like my distance is self-imposed: you don't know how I've been lately. I'm not fun. I'm not sexual. I'm not receptive. You're not the only people who can notice a dampering in my personality. It's just who I am, its just the way it is, and it isn't that fair of you to be angry at me for it, b/c it's ME, it's MY SOUL, it's MY WAY. It's what I do, and this is just such a part of me. I've changed, you dislike me, when you dislike my subdued nature.
In general: I'm tired, and sick. And I'm sick and tired of dealing with everyone and anyone. I can't even talk to my parents a fraction of the time I use to. I can't overcome the inadequacies of others and myself. I can't stop getting angry at people only learning in life, and I can't stop getting angry at myself. I don't want to even talk about politics b/c I'm no longer unpainfully empathetic. I can't stand to hear about politics b/c I know that everyone applies them wrong anyway. (as a side note: jason, we don't hate you b/c you are republican. are you even reading what we are saying?) I can't bear to be around anyone, and I can't stand being alone.
I guess I want you to just leave me alone.
I feel objectified, and in the non-sexual way.
so its a bit more uncomfortable
so its a bit more uncomfortable
júl 08, 2003
júl 06, 2003
I'm tired of everybody here.
no shit I'm all gloomy.
no shit I'm all gloomy.
I do not know what to do about you, any of you, for that matter...
I'm not sure what changed 'boot me, but I just really don't feel all to 'Perky' (as both I, and my mammaries use to, I just can't think of a better word than perky)
I'm not sure what changed 'boot me, but I just really don't feel all to 'Perky' (as both I, and my mammaries use to, I just can't think of a better word than perky)
júl 04, 2003
P.S.
GAW BLESS 'MERICA!!!
blech
GAW BLESS 'MERICA!!!
blech
Appearently even Turpaque reads my blog,
whats up with that?
whats up with that?
júl 02, 2003
Not like I'd ever get married...
I'm afraid that I only want to be a crotchety, lonely old man when I grow up
I'm afraid that I only want to be a crotchety, lonely old man when I grow up
Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA): It's like a nightmarish anti-progressive dream come true!
<3 !!!
<3 !!!
I'm slooooooowly becoming more...
hmmmmmmmmmm...
disillusioned?
dispassionate?
disoriented?
dissatisfied?
misscommunicated?
misinterpreted?
misaligned?
unhappy?
unsatisfied?
feminine.
__
But what do I want? Is stopping it to make other people happy?
I dunno, what I want, I have yet to figure it out.
(I'll be sure to post over this in em.bare(ass)ment tommorow.
hmmmmmmmmmm...
disillusioned?
dispassionate?
disoriented?
dissatisfied?
misscommunicated?
misinterpreted?
misaligned?
unhappy?
unsatisfied?
feminine.
__
But what do I want? Is stopping it to make other people happy?
I dunno, what I want, I have yet to figure it out.
(I'll be sure to post over this in em.bare(ass)ment tommorow.
jún 29, 2003
today:
Strom Thurmon Dies
Sodomy becomes legal
Annevesary of Trip To Japan!!!!
best day ever
Strom Thurmon Dies
Sodomy becomes legal
Annevesary of Trip To Japan!!!!
best day ever
jún 27, 2003
Its so shiney in here now, oooooooooooooooo.
I love architecture so much it, hurts physically. It's reeaaaaly late and I have to get up in 3 hours...
I love architecture so much it, hurts physically. It's reeaaaaly late and I have to get up in 3 hours...
jún 14, 2003
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!
What kind of kiss are you?
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jún 13, 2003
WHY are my peers so DAMN DRAMATIC. Way to fabricate shit, and then believe it. Surrounded by the stupidest people in the world!
Just call me:
Intenselykater: mr. bitches
Intenselykater: mr. bitches
jún 12, 2003
I do not want to leave my house, at all.
But I will if daddy is here, goddamn big-headed ass. I don't like having someone try to make me feel bad enough for them so that I will bend to their will, if I really wanted to 'share my life' with him, he needs to not 'be a self-centered asshole' to me, and ecspecially his damn wife which he takes more for granted than his fat ass.
But I will if daddy is here, goddamn big-headed ass. I don't like having someone try to make me feel bad enough for them so that I will bend to their will, if I really wanted to 'share my life' with him, he needs to not 'be a self-centered asshole' to me, and ecspecially his damn wife which he takes more for granted than his fat ass.
jún 11, 2003
scandle
<3
jún 04, 2003
Shiminkaikyou Fu: maybe some John in Japan stole it from you, I'm sure your clients have a way of taking shit from you
Shiminkaikyou Fu: like your dignity
draconici: hehe no i freely sign off on that
draconici: ho
Shiminkaikyou Fu: <3
It's why we keep Renee around
Shiminkaikyou Fu: like your dignity
draconici: hehe no i freely sign off on that
draconici: ho
Shiminkaikyou Fu: <3
It's why we keep Renee around
No mo school. But just SAT IIs. If I blow them, does that make me a bad erson. and if I do bad on them, too, does the same apply?
Seems to be to be a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. Heehee, bitches.
The New Works Festival was delightful, I <3 RLT. Almost enough to work there.
Seems to be to be a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. Heehee, bitches.
The New Works Festival was delightful, I <3 RLT. Almost enough to work there.
jún 02, 2003
Its like I'm in the last week of school all over again. I'll be up at early o'clock tommorow to study.
joy of joys
joy of joys
jún 01, 2003
I love it when a movie grabs me by the brain and shakes me around. I suggest you see 'the shape of things', but you must see in the growing night, in an empty movie theater. I walked out of the screening room and the entire place was empty but for a ringing phone that never got answered. Reality gets this aesthetic gloss that clings to every surface like an acidic dust, and eats your perception so that you dare not blink to miss your life.
Why is my blog popular, why am i popular? I do not understand what percipitates human friendliness and attachment. To kelsey McK., I guess I can offer no explaination as to why our friendship never 'worked out' per se, as much as that I must say, in my banal language, that frankly, my dear, you deeply bother me. And it isn't something you fix, and it isn't something I have asked you to fix but in the most cruel and manipulating manner. When a person latches on to their own misfortune, whether it was something they were born with, or some occurance that happends to them, and then uses this happenstance of life to either levy emotion or coax conversation in the same manner that can be drawn in parallels to the most destructive force of my life I may not want to be around you. I have said what makes my blood run fast and my emotions upsurge in disgust and loathing, why do you insist on using similar tactics, first to try to catch me, and then to make me feel bad enough for not latching onto you in the first place that then I actually would. Its not the way I work, and it never will be. I don't have a conclusion to this paragraph.
I'm so easily influenced by the movies.
WHY ISN'T MY LEARNIN' DONE YET!?
Ahglfhdigseghr on german II exams. A pox, if you will.
and then I have SAT II's, b/c I just can't get enough physics.
but this weekend was fun, and oh, I have done no work AND not felt bad about it. It feels sooooooo good.
Ahglfhdigseghr on german II exams. A pox, if you will.
and then I have SAT II's, b/c I just can't get enough physics.
but this weekend was fun, and oh, I have done no work AND not felt bad about it. It feels sooooooo good.
school is out and I feel empty
I just keep having to wake up early for someone
I just keep having to wake up early for someone
máj 27, 2003
Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3
What kind of porno would you star in?
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GAH, how could this happen?
well, LOVE ME NOW, and I will be a rollercoaster of ROMANCE, or emotion. Either way, its a ride, I'm sure.
HA, romance.
máj 26, 2003
I had fun at prom
I love prom
prom prom prom
and i danced like a whore
if you ever need your dress removed, please play me missy elliot, and it will be off in a minute
afterwards left me bruised baby
and in emotional pain even later
I can't keep up relationships, I hurt myself too much
I love prom
prom prom prom
and i danced like a whore
if you ever need your dress removed, please play me missy elliot, and it will be off in a minute
afterwards left me bruised baby
and in emotional pain even later
I can't keep up relationships, I hurt myself too much
máj 21, 2003
I was just wondering if EVERYBODY would yell at me a little more?
thanks guys.
I'm tired and bitchy, when the hell is my period? bi-weekly?
thanks guys.
I'm tired and bitchy, when the hell is my period? bi-weekly?
máj 20, 2003
Photojournal of suburbia: I was sitting on my floor, thinking of what to put for captions, and then I noticed that that train of thought felt familiar. I looked down at my photojournal, and I realized I had seen i before, in a dream I had in maybe October. I started re-living this dream which had stuck with me through the year. Every action I was making, I had already made, I had already seen done. And the pictures were in the order same to as in the dream. Why did I see this so many months ago, and why something so minor did I remember so painfully?
I do not like dreaming up the future, and then making it for myself, I feel like I'm being used.
maybe I'm just crazy.
I do not like dreaming up the future, and then making it for myself, I feel like I'm being used.
maybe I'm just crazy.
máj 18, 2003
xan doesn't suck, soemtimes the friction is just too much, baby.
oooh! oooh! who else wants to ride the ajemotionalinstabilityanduttermadness rollercoaster? I don't think I can even physically keep up with it myself, and why the hell is my Taiko group saying I should eat more? Goddamnit, the eating disorders were SO january and early febuary, and maybe december an november before that.
But you just never know when I'll talk to kates again, when she said I made her cry, I only felt better
and thats sick, man.
oooh! oooh! who else wants to ride the ajemotionalinstabilityanduttermadness rollercoaster? I don't think I can even physically keep up with it myself, and why the hell is my Taiko group saying I should eat more? Goddamnit, the eating disorders were SO january and early febuary, and maybe december an november before that.
But you just never know when I'll talk to kates again, when she said I made her cry, I only felt better
and thats sick, man.
máj 17, 2003
xan sucks
my ugly personality is making this website a place of hate, and I hate that
but until I get out of this hellish highschool-land, thats what this vessel of my shallow and ugly emotions will be.
I'm such an ugly person on the inside
my ugly personality is making this website a place of hate, and I hate that
but until I get out of this hellish highschool-land, thats what this vessel of my shallow and ugly emotions will be.
I'm such an ugly person on the inside
I hate Kate Schultz,
please never speak to me again,
and though I may be absolved, I'm still not happy with any other kate that currently goes to our school
except Thompson, b/c she is smart enough to have abandoned orchestra
please never speak to me again,
and though I may be absolved, I'm still not happy with any other kate that currently goes to our school
except Thompson, b/c she is smart enough to have abandoned orchestra
I do not think that there is anything you can do, I know that sounds harsh, but the fact of the matter is is that I am lonely, and distant, bitter, cold, tired, hallucinating, angry, yelling, still pissed at kater on some level, achey, emotionally dead, emotionally over-stratched, emotionally drained, emotionally crushed, my heart feels like lead, I can't cry b/c it just won't come out, I can't eat regular and when I read all these things, I think, 'oh, okay, well lets just eat better, lets find some one or way to supplament this emotional chasm' but it won't work, and it doesn't work
máj 16, 2003
Some friends suck, some of the time.
Some friends suck, pretty much consistantly,
and you know who you are.
Some friends suck, pretty much consistantly,
and you know who you are.
máj 15, 2003
It's raining hard
some of you are the worst friends ever
and sometimes I'm the worst person you've met
I could say I'm sorry, and I could ask for apologies
but when exchanged, do I mean it?
do you?
some of you are the worst friends ever
and sometimes I'm the worst person you've met
I could say I'm sorry, and I could ask for apologies
but when exchanged, do I mean it?
do you?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaah. This website will feel the wrath of my moodiness as everyone who knows me, and hates me will.
Woe be unto he who calls me Clay Aiken-look alike. Holy jesus. Goddamn it. Christ on a fucking stick. I will write down every fucking religous-based slur to emphasizes the importance of what I will now say:
If you call me a Clay Aiken look-alike, if you mention it, if you laugh at it, if you even remotely suggest it I will punch you in the face, I will backhand across the temple, I will kill your family with you watching, tied to a chair. Holy jesus, I'm not kidding, I am so tired of hearing people say that, consider it a warning; if you read this, tell your friends, b/c appearently knocking over bottles full of water in the middle of an english class doesn't really convey how much I do not want to hear this. Tel all your friends and family, b/c you may not know me, but if ANYONE tells me this again, I will subject you to the most humiliating pain I can dream up in my fermenting, and crazed mind.
And physics, if there ever was a nice man who couldn't teach, and couldn't take a hint, it was Mr Boyer. He is a very sweet man, and he has a nice family, but physics, with the work done, is the most hellish class I have ever had to endure, the only class I can cry over, the only fucking class that makes me feel like my diet consists almost wholly of lead-based paint chips. I'm losing sleep over this fucking bullshit class, the waste of my time, this impossible feat that appearently Mark is doing well in, but I can't stand him, so he can blow me, as Mr Boyer is also invited to do. The madness, the utter mind-numbing humiliation of commiting myself to HOURS LONG studying binges to get hardly-passing, and mostly FAILING grades on tests, where appearent;y I do not know the material, even though I HAVE a STUDY GUIDE (that is LACKING), I know NOTHING. I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID FOR PHYSICS, I HATE MY LIFE, MY FUTURE IS RAPED, I AM LIVING IN AN ETERNAL HELL WHERE THE SCIENCE THAT MATTERS MOST TO MY ONLY TRUE VOCATIONAL LOVE IS BEING DESTROYED LIKE A CAR RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL WITH AN ELASTICITY MODULE OF 9, AT A SPEED OF 1000000000000000METERS PER FUCKINKG SECOND.
i HATE MY LIFE. And where the fuck is Matt? What the hell is this where I try to e-mail him, and I haven't heard from him in forever. I need someone to lean on, and nobody is anywhere to be found.
I feel like I'm naked and sobbing in a corner of a room full of people; laughing at me, but not bothering to address me directly, and no one will let me out.
Woe be unto he who calls me Clay Aiken-look alike. Holy jesus. Goddamn it. Christ on a fucking stick. I will write down every fucking religous-based slur to emphasizes the importance of what I will now say:
If you call me a Clay Aiken look-alike, if you mention it, if you laugh at it, if you even remotely suggest it I will punch you in the face, I will backhand across the temple, I will kill your family with you watching, tied to a chair. Holy jesus, I'm not kidding, I am so tired of hearing people say that, consider it a warning; if you read this, tell your friends, b/c appearently knocking over bottles full of water in the middle of an english class doesn't really convey how much I do not want to hear this. Tel all your friends and family, b/c you may not know me, but if ANYONE tells me this again, I will subject you to the most humiliating pain I can dream up in my fermenting, and crazed mind.
And physics, if there ever was a nice man who couldn't teach, and couldn't take a hint, it was Mr Boyer. He is a very sweet man, and he has a nice family, but physics, with the work done, is the most hellish class I have ever had to endure, the only class I can cry over, the only fucking class that makes me feel like my diet consists almost wholly of lead-based paint chips. I'm losing sleep over this fucking bullshit class, the waste of my time, this impossible feat that appearently Mark is doing well in, but I can't stand him, so he can blow me, as Mr Boyer is also invited to do. The madness, the utter mind-numbing humiliation of commiting myself to HOURS LONG studying binges to get hardly-passing, and mostly FAILING grades on tests, where appearent;y I do not know the material, even though I HAVE a STUDY GUIDE (that is LACKING), I know NOTHING. I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID FOR PHYSICS, I HATE MY LIFE, MY FUTURE IS RAPED, I AM LIVING IN AN ETERNAL HELL WHERE THE SCIENCE THAT MATTERS MOST TO MY ONLY TRUE VOCATIONAL LOVE IS BEING DESTROYED LIKE A CAR RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL WITH AN ELASTICITY MODULE OF 9, AT A SPEED OF 1000000000000000METERS PER FUCKINKG SECOND.
i HATE MY LIFE. And where the fuck is Matt? What the hell is this where I try to e-mail him, and I haven't heard from him in forever. I need someone to lean on, and nobody is anywhere to be found.
I feel like I'm naked and sobbing in a corner of a room full of people; laughing at me, but not bothering to address me directly, and no one will let me out.
máj 14, 2003
Meeting new people
re-invigorating old friendships
leaving people on the way-side
Social Predator, I rise
mmmmm, where's my sweet thang?
re-invigorating old friendships
leaving people on the way-side
Social Predator, I rise
mmmmm, where's my sweet thang?
máj 13, 2003
You poeple, make life interesting
meeting someone else to gossip with is fun
e-mail soon, I miss a doormatt
sentence fragments
hate grammer
meeting someone else to gossip with is fun
e-mail soon, I miss a doormatt
sentence fragments
hate grammer
máj 10, 2003
Bitches in Lochmere call the cops.
Way to be passive-agressive you damn wanna-be-richie dumbass motherfuckers. Go suck your mom's mammary gland.
P.S. How did you find my site?
Way to be passive-agressive you damn wanna-be-richie dumbass motherfuckers. Go suck your mom's mammary gland.
P.S. How did you find my site?
máj 07, 2003
You broke me, and it is your fault.
But you have problems of your own...
But you have problems of your own...
apríl 24, 2003
angelasaur: not anymore! Thanks USA! America Kicks Butt©
Its been a productive week, no? My elementary school is having a '5th-grader reunion', which I think is wonderful b/c now I can have a break from school for this week, I've worked damn hard and I have taken all my tests and quizzes for the week and I'm ready to help small children who will plunge into the nightmarish corporate system, too, for a few hours.
My dear friend Andy has sent me an e-mail about how the national assembly is passing legislature to almost completely illegalize abortions in general. I must admit, I do VEHEMENTLY disapprove. As the months have progressed, I have been more and more disenfranchised by the administration's actions, and their very poor choice of how they are shaping my society whch I do still have to live in. The idea of removing the option for women to have even first or second trimester abortions has already been taken when funding for any reproductive services in other countries was pulled, ecspecially unforunate for many very poor countries with skyrocketing birthrates that are cruelly brushed aside with a 'they should know better'. Expecting a nation with epidemics of diseases, countless natural disasters, and the infant mortality rate which is downright mind-boggling and related to the two aforementioned factors, makes America's constant 'striving for democracy' seem one-sided and terribly irresponsable to the actual needs of millions, maybe even bllions of people affected by this.
And of course, I must blame again the very fabric of society, the corrupt and selfish desires which mold our fine country into a downright arrogant and terrifying entity which does not display the forsight to be one of the only players on the international scene. Sweet, sweet Suburbia, that cursed phenomina which I wrote a 13-page paper about, the staple of American Society. I do not blame Suburbia for all of America's ails, but the almost total isolationism of the majority middle class of this nation definitely has a poor effect on the minds of the millions of people which live in the wretched and emotionally distant grey development which covers more of our land than our cities. I myself was once an ignorant, disgusting, arrogant upper-middle class white male, and I'm still three out of those six things, and it is something I'm ashamed of. How does it bode when someone has to be ashamed of his race for its wreckless disregard? His income bracket for all the mistakes it inflicts on society? His gender because they still silently opress their other half of the counter part? Put those three things together and you have the most humbling and unhappy background. At least my religous affiliation doesn't make me ashamed of the persecution I inflicted, as mine was more often on the recieving end. And I know what has made me such a conflicted and socially-inmature person, the 12-acre which encloses my house, the roads which ribbon off my life, the highways which lay waste across my time. I never have advocated my residential enviroment on this website, but I never really understood how terrible it is. Sure, I would say 'I hate this country, why can I not walk places?', but I never really connected my own psychological blemishes and inflictions with my parent's instinctive fear of the world. And if I do not funtion properly b/c of my isolation, what about the 100million people who are just like me, in where they live? What effect could this have on our society? All I ask for is a chance for this country to start de-suburbanizing itself, but I hope for the utter demolition of unreasonable growth before I die.
Maybe, when this behemoth of a nation fixes its fabric within, and mend it as it needs to, it can be productive, accepting, thoughtful, and most of all: open-minded; and fill the void of dreams and promises it has eerily built itself upon without ever actually touching in the twentieth century.
Suburbia isn't a dream come true, its a chance for things like political movements to go horribly awry, my something save the world from this country.
My dear friend Andy has sent me an e-mail about how the national assembly is passing legislature to almost completely illegalize abortions in general. I must admit, I do VEHEMENTLY disapprove. As the months have progressed, I have been more and more disenfranchised by the administration's actions, and their very poor choice of how they are shaping my society whch I do still have to live in. The idea of removing the option for women to have even first or second trimester abortions has already been taken when funding for any reproductive services in other countries was pulled, ecspecially unforunate for many very poor countries with skyrocketing birthrates that are cruelly brushed aside with a 'they should know better'. Expecting a nation with epidemics of diseases, countless natural disasters, and the infant mortality rate which is downright mind-boggling and related to the two aforementioned factors, makes America's constant 'striving for democracy' seem one-sided and terribly irresponsable to the actual needs of millions, maybe even bllions of people affected by this.
And of course, I must blame again the very fabric of society, the corrupt and selfish desires which mold our fine country into a downright arrogant and terrifying entity which does not display the forsight to be one of the only players on the international scene. Sweet, sweet Suburbia, that cursed phenomina which I wrote a 13-page paper about, the staple of American Society. I do not blame Suburbia for all of America's ails, but the almost total isolationism of the majority middle class of this nation definitely has a poor effect on the minds of the millions of people which live in the wretched and emotionally distant grey development which covers more of our land than our cities. I myself was once an ignorant, disgusting, arrogant upper-middle class white male, and I'm still three out of those six things, and it is something I'm ashamed of. How does it bode when someone has to be ashamed of his race for its wreckless disregard? His income bracket for all the mistakes it inflicts on society? His gender because they still silently opress their other half of the counter part? Put those three things together and you have the most humbling and unhappy background. At least my religous affiliation doesn't make me ashamed of the persecution I inflicted, as mine was more often on the recieving end. And I know what has made me such a conflicted and socially-inmature person, the 12-acre which encloses my house, the roads which ribbon off my life, the highways which lay waste across my time. I never have advocated my residential enviroment on this website, but I never really understood how terrible it is. Sure, I would say 'I hate this country, why can I not walk places?', but I never really connected my own psychological blemishes and inflictions with my parent's instinctive fear of the world. And if I do not funtion properly b/c of my isolation, what about the 100million people who are just like me, in where they live? What effect could this have on our society? All I ask for is a chance for this country to start de-suburbanizing itself, but I hope for the utter demolition of unreasonable growth before I die.
Maybe, when this behemoth of a nation fixes its fabric within, and mend it as it needs to, it can be productive, accepting, thoughtful, and most of all: open-minded; and fill the void of dreams and promises it has eerily built itself upon without ever actually touching in the twentieth century.
Suburbia isn't a dream come true, its a chance for things like political movements to go horribly awry, my something save the world from this country.
apríl 20, 2003
Cleaning with RustLimeCalcium really must be done in a well-ventilated area, holy jebus.
Russian Ark: A long, foreign film that is well worth your time.
Lists: Too lazy for grammatical correctness.
Russian Ark: A long, foreign film that is well worth your time.
Lists: Too lazy for grammatical correctness.
Today was far too hectic for a break, why can't people let me do what I want when I have more caffine in a 4 hour period than I have in a month, usually?
Deviant sexuality is rampant with some folks, I'm not sure if I want to take part in it, but it is best to try once, yes? no?
P.S. occasional IM usage means WAY deep convesations I should spare people from.
Deviant sexuality is rampant with some folks, I'm not sure if I want to take part in it, but it is best to try once, yes? no?
P.S. occasional IM usage means WAY deep convesations I should spare people from.
apríl 18, 2003
I'm must be really out of the loops,
but it is okay, I guess, I'm not weepin' over it.
whats is better than dinner with good friends?
Dinner with good friends and an Ex who rocks.
but it is okay, I guess, I'm not weepin' over it.
whats is better than dinner with good friends?
Dinner with good friends and an Ex who rocks.
apríl 14, 2003
Paving over Humble for now,
Do I talk like I'm confronting everyone?
my dad thinks so, stupid prick.
Host student next year not at RCHS sounds like both a good and terrible idea...
Do I talk like I'm confronting everyone?
my dad thinks so, stupid prick.
Host student next year not at RCHS sounds like both a good and terrible idea...
apríl 10, 2003
People really suck.
And they don't have ANY idea how many not-straight kids there are at school.
And I'm still to furious with Dr. Humble to mention him yet.
And they don't have ANY idea how many not-straight kids there are at school.
And I'm still to furious with Dr. Humble to mention him yet.
apríl 08, 2003
I must rely on Alka-Seltzer® NightTime Liqui-gels© to sleep.
Yum, addiction.
Gay-rights rally today at school, 20 people and Jon Turpaque (Tirpak), Funyum.
Yum, addiction.
Gay-rights rally today at school, 20 people and Jon Turpaque (Tirpak), Funyum.
apríl 07, 2003
I think that I am going to go TYP.
I need to stop posting CRAP.
Haha, self-loathing makes me happy. Wheee, hmm, I think I'm going to go down again.
I need to stop posting CRAP.
Haha, self-loathing makes me happy. Wheee, hmm, I think I'm going to go down again.
apríl 06, 2003
As with pretty much all of my posts, this one starts with the pronoun:
I, think that I am crazy. Mentally handicapped, intellectually and emotionally disabled, broken-souled, karma-spent, dead-spirited. Any occasion where the chance for any intimate emotional contact is presented, whether in the halls of S&M, or the seat of my car; the precipice of that contact seems to be an immediate starting-point for an enexhaustable amount of factors which utterly eliminates my feelings. Suddenly, this person who I think is the best shit to happen to me suddenly becomes painfully unattractive, some empty husk that is too close to me. And it ain't "Well, maybe it is just me". I just can't kiss them, or even fucking hug them, and then I can only think of them as "friends". It is fucking sickening how pathetic, how weak, how obnoxious it is to have some "inner tick" that has no reason or rhyme that I can't explain to anybody to their face and that wreaks havoc on the wane social life I already nurse with the very tactics I loathe so fully. So what is a boy to do? I don't know, maybe I can look back on this entry one day, and simply be glad I "Got over it". But until that heavenly time comes where I can dispose of this pathetic excuse for a crippling "issue", I do not know what to do.
I, think that I am crazy. Mentally handicapped, intellectually and emotionally disabled, broken-souled, karma-spent, dead-spirited. Any occasion where the chance for any intimate emotional contact is presented, whether in the halls of S&M, or the seat of my car; the precipice of that contact seems to be an immediate starting-point for an enexhaustable amount of factors which utterly eliminates my feelings. Suddenly, this person who I think is the best shit to happen to me suddenly becomes painfully unattractive, some empty husk that is too close to me. And it ain't "Well, maybe it is just me". I just can't kiss them, or even fucking hug them, and then I can only think of them as "friends". It is fucking sickening how pathetic, how weak, how obnoxious it is to have some "inner tick" that has no reason or rhyme that I can't explain to anybody to their face and that wreaks havoc on the wane social life I already nurse with the very tactics I loathe so fully. So what is a boy to do? I don't know, maybe I can look back on this entry one day, and simply be glad I "Got over it". But until that heavenly time comes where I can dispose of this pathetic excuse for a crippling "issue", I do not know what to do.
I'm tired of dealing with you people, seriously. Never have I ever had to contemplate speaking to someone about their own actions and looked at the possibility of never speaking to them again afterwards, or at least never as a friend. For some reason, even after breaking my long-running anorexia which has plagued my existance since the beggining of the school year, nothing really has been going right, and my weight has been steadily decreasing. I'm not sure what is going on, but I do not appriciate this pressing tiredness, weakness, and insomnia. However, no physical illness can be found, so I have to assume it is something else. I do not want to deal with this anymore, I'm fucking tired of everyone not being patient and not noticing that maybe I need a little fucking space. I think I have gone over this with a few of you that 1) I hate pity tactics, I swear to Buddha that if you do try to use them again, I will smack the living shit out of you, b/c my dad has gotten home, and I have more than enough bullshit to deal with 2) If you do not point stuff out to me, I will not notice, i.e. if I seem rude or sharp, maybe if you ask me to be more pleasent, in language just like that for you musn't be subtle with me 3) If you really want something from me you have to NOT treat me like total shit, it is fucking rediculous and selfish to think that I'm going to happily let you back into my life you need to never just talk to me again, b/c I'm not about to be manipulated by you, finally 4) I hate saying names, but whenever one alex and one jasmine get into one of their "Tight" times, everyone else becomes some sort of second-rate friend, and as great as that as, I will not talk to either of those bitches untill they think they can handle me correctly.
It seems very ironic that I demand all these things of everyone I know, and can't do uphold any of it myself on anyone, but I'm not having fun right now, and I need a little break from all this pathetic pressure, I'm only a man, and one which hardly qualifies for the word.
It seems very ironic that I demand all these things of everyone I know, and can't do uphold any of it myself on anyone, but I'm not having fun right now, and I need a little break from all this pathetic pressure, I'm only a man, and one which hardly qualifies for the word.
apríl 01, 2003
Oh, but I'm not sad now at all anymore, just in pain, a little, but you know how illness goes. Rather, it comes and goes, and I ain't complainin'.
See, its that damn indicative depression. Whenever I get really really depressed and fucking bitchy (b/c it is so bad, it gets a curse-word) I get sick with some sort of satanic-poo-timing form of the plague.
I forgot what else I was going to write about, but I guarantee that it was insightful and not bitter like eveything else I write.
cursed not-museswrathofdeath.
I forgot what else I was going to write about, but I guarantee that it was insightful and not bitter like eveything else I write.
cursed not-museswrathofdeath.
marec 30, 2003
My hair is cut, my face is long, my inspiration is gone. I'm watching the TV, this show called "Oliver Beene" with gay steryotypes in 10-y/o boys.
God, I loathe this country.
I also can not talk to Rosa, I really can't, no I can't, no no no no no no no no no no. I take care of my shame by ignoring it, thats how it goes, but I still like Rosa a lot, it just, can't, be put into words. I'm going reclusive.
going, going, gone.
God, I loathe this country.
I also can not talk to Rosa, I really can't, no I can't, no no no no no no no no no no. I take care of my shame by ignoring it, thats how it goes, but I still like Rosa a lot, it just, can't, be put into words. I'm going reclusive.
going, going, gone.
I do not know how much longer I can stay in this country.
marec 26, 2003
The BBC does a newscast around 6 or 6:30 on WUNC. Normally I do not watch WUNC, but when they have an impartial, kick-ass news service on, I must admit I have to watch it. Appearently a cruise missle or bomb from the US hit a working-class neighborhood in Iraq. I wonder if it'll get the coverage it deserves in the US news. Plus, the accents just make them seem more credible, and there is a hot lady.
I would also like to deliver a shout-out to my dear friend Cory. Cory is a mentally unstable crazy ghonnerian, or maybe a Fuquay-Virginian, or maybe she lives in that GIANT GREY AREA OF NO MANS LAND that exisits between here and Charleston (SC).
I would also like to deliver a shout-out to my dear friend Cory. Cory is a mentally unstable crazy ghonnerian, or maybe a Fuquay-Virginian, or maybe she lives in that GIANT GREY AREA OF NO MANS LAND that exisits between here and Charleston (SC).
marec 23, 2003
Renee feeds me anti-American Propaganda!
"Naturally, the common people don't want war, but after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism or exposing the country to danger. It works the same in ever country." --Hermann Goering, HItler's Reich-Marshall, at the Nuremberg Trails
Wahoo! http://www.bushwatch.com/mojotoons.htm & http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A61275-2002Jun16¬Found=true
"Naturally, the common people don't want war, but after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism or exposing the country to danger. It works the same in ever country." --Hermann Goering, HItler's Reich-Marshall, at the Nuremberg Trails
Wahoo! http://www.bushwatch.com/mojotoons.htm & http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A61275-2002Jun16¬Found=true
Jillian Bartels has been exhonerated, Lewis will die on Monday.
marec 21, 2003
It has come to my attention that some people think I am unable to deal with my own problems. Now I could make this an obscure scolding issued to nameless parties; but I won't.
How dare you. How fucking dare you Jillian Bartels and Lewis Williams, do you think I can't deal with my own shit? The most cowardly-seming thing you can do "for" me is to "help" me with my own personal confrontations. Do I ASK you to break up with people for me? Do I beg you to talk to my fucking science teachers? Do I beg you to persuade Academic Deans to reconsider Suspensions? Hell No.
If either of you ever hope to fucking god that I will ever speak to you again, you best apologize to Kelsey, because, goddamn it, that was fucking rude to talk to her for me, and I know I could have done a better job at it because it deals with ME and NOT YOU.
Bitches.
How dare you. How fucking dare you Jillian Bartels and Lewis Williams, do you think I can't deal with my own shit? The most cowardly-seming thing you can do "for" me is to "help" me with my own personal confrontations. Do I ASK you to break up with people for me? Do I beg you to talk to my fucking science teachers? Do I beg you to persuade Academic Deans to reconsider Suspensions? Hell No.
If either of you ever hope to fucking god that I will ever speak to you again, you best apologize to Kelsey, because, goddamn it, that was fucking rude to talk to her for me, and I know I could have done a better job at it because it deals with ME and NOT YOU.
Bitches.
marec 19, 2003
Four Posts In One Day.
I took another hour-long walk today. The moon was full; everything gleamed beautifully in its splendor.
As I was walking, I realized something. I realized I hate this country. I hate this life I have for me here. I walked by the lit-under mini-mansions that surround me and I live in. This country and every facet of its piggish nature amaze me. Its dependence on everything, its almost leech-like quality with which it has clasped itself onto the world with. It is impressive how an entire socio-economic strata of a country like ours has so greatly impacted the rest of the world. Our middle class has demanded so much and built a culture so reliant on resources, it is an enigma how it has lasted so long. But what I cannot stand is this "American Dream" which most citizens hold so dear to their empty heart. How selfish, how fucking thoughtless it is. I say you can take your damn land, your damn 4-bedroom and 2.5-bathroom house, your damn car (preferable SUV), your decadent ideals, your selfish drives! Take them all to your cursed grave, because the only thing that will come out of your manicured, self-manufactured, self-contained world is an inability to deal with your fellow man and the wretched world you have left in the wake of your all-consuming greed! I want to be able to walk to the store, I want to be able to take a train to the other side of the city or across the nation EASILY, I want people to know how to live with each other and understand the sacrifices that are necessary for a productive world! I will go to some other country, some other land. I want nothing to do with anyone of a "suburbia" ever again! And as I pack my things, as I leave my fatherland, I will raise my fist in one last act of rebellion againts your intolerably prudish morals and declare: I am bisexual!
And don't act shocked, like you didn't know!
I took another hour-long walk today. The moon was full; everything gleamed beautifully in its splendor.
As I was walking, I realized something. I realized I hate this country. I hate this life I have for me here. I walked by the lit-under mini-mansions that surround me and I live in. This country and every facet of its piggish nature amaze me. Its dependence on everything, its almost leech-like quality with which it has clasped itself onto the world with. It is impressive how an entire socio-economic strata of a country like ours has so greatly impacted the rest of the world. Our middle class has demanded so much and built a culture so reliant on resources, it is an enigma how it has lasted so long. But what I cannot stand is this "American Dream" which most citizens hold so dear to their empty heart. How selfish, how fucking thoughtless it is. I say you can take your damn land, your damn 4-bedroom and 2.5-bathroom house, your damn car (preferable SUV), your decadent ideals, your selfish drives! Take them all to your cursed grave, because the only thing that will come out of your manicured, self-manufactured, self-contained world is an inability to deal with your fellow man and the wretched world you have left in the wake of your all-consuming greed! I want to be able to walk to the store, I want to be able to take a train to the other side of the city or across the nation EASILY, I want people to know how to live with each other and understand the sacrifices that are necessary for a productive world! I will go to some other country, some other land. I want nothing to do with anyone of a "suburbia" ever again! And as I pack my things, as I leave my fatherland, I will raise my fist in one last act of rebellion againts your intolerably prudish morals and declare: I am bisexual!
And don't act shocked, like you didn't know!
marec 18, 2003
Why won't my settings change correctly!?!?!?
The name should be: Dancing Robots of LoveAJ, Dammit!
The name should be: Dancing Robots of LoveAJ, Dammit!
I went for an hour-long walk last night. It was dark and pretty outside, and then I thought about "Signs" with Mel Gibson, and at first I was like "MMmmmmmm", and then I was quite terrified as the prospect of crazy bitch-ass aliens killing me while I'm out walking in an unlit part of a walking path next to a lake. Then, I would be pissed.
It has also come to my attention that perhaps some of you who waste your time reading my shit-ass site still continue to use pity on your own websites. I'm afraid I must ask you to cease and desist, I'm really not putting up with shit from anyone anymore, and yes that more than means just you.
*
LilRosy21: oh well, poo is yummy
*
That too, will no longer be tolerated; if I really need inside stories on your defecation fetishes, I will let you know.
It has also come to my attention that perhaps some of you who waste your time reading my shit-ass site still continue to use pity on your own websites. I'm afraid I must ask you to cease and desist, I'm really not putting up with shit from anyone anymore, and yes that more than means just you.
*
LilRosy21: oh well, poo is yummy
*
That too, will no longer be tolerated; if I really need inside stories on your defecation fetishes, I will let you know.
marec 13, 2003
SkeazeWithEase: andy was like "She HATED it"
SkeazeWithEase: and I was like "Bitch"
SkeazeWithEase: I was calling him the bitch, you see
r0binLena: right
r0binLena: and he is
SkeazeWithEase: and I was like "Bitch"
SkeazeWithEase: I was calling him the bitch, you see
r0binLena: right
r0binLena: and he is
marec 12, 2003
And my blog won't work, I hate bloglife.
I have a date. But what more is there to say?
Oh, I enjoy letting people down, b/c thats all I have really do, now, it seems, comma, comma, comma (chamelion).
Oh, I enjoy letting people down, b/c thats all I have really do, now, it seems, comma, comma, comma (chamelion).
marec 03, 2003
Everyone knows skunks love free bacon.
marec 02, 2003
Too lazy to make posts. I did other stuff over the week and was weird. Whatever.
Weekends are lame, they should have more ass in them then they actually do, at least for me.
Weekends are lame, they should have more ass in them then they actually do, at least for me.
február 25, 2003
Yesterday, I did not eat, today I do not talk. Tommorow brings unknown oddities to school. I'm not sure why I am acting totally without reason this week, but I hope it ends up with something worth-while on friday. Seriously, I do b/c, I'm not sure myself what is going on. And even though I have kept talking to a minimum, ecspecially today, I can still manage to say horrible and openly-interpretable things that tend to confuse people around me almost as much as me deriving some form of amusement from saying them. To clarify: No, Jon, Theraputic was a term used in another simulatneous IM conversation. Angela is so vain, she probably thinks that song is about her. Jillian loves cooter. And to anyone else: No, I will never do anything in my life on my knees, except to use sidewalk chalk when the summertime comes. Today was so interesting as a mute, it makes me wish I had the patience to do it more often.
február 24, 2003
I'm so tired. I've done a 12-hour sleeping binge and I'm still exhausted. All-state was rockin', but it had its let-downs. Everything has its let-downs. But other things are looking up: I'm going out this friday, and at first I was fairly uneasy at whom I was going to be spending my evening; but after a good friend gave me a few words of positive reinforcement I felt like the weekend couldn't come soon enough. I made a serious mis-communication with the afore-mention Jon Turpaque (2/14) and have thus concluded to only speak when addressed directly by name tommorow. A day is far more interesting when you impose strange personal demands on the people around you, though they really do not enjoy it that much. Call me self-centered, because I am more concerned about myself than others, but I'm not apologizing for it. I lost all will to care over the long long long long long long long long long long long weekend.
február 19, 2003
Happyblogoffun! It seems when everyone else is down, I've been propelled to a more than unusually happy mood, of happiness. What makes this sudden change of events? I have found my Islamic Musicstation which you must go to for the rewards of TRULY enjoying life http://www.aryalive.com/ and makes me sooo happy. I also have a contact with the outside world! I have a deeper social life! I am doing things with people not in my school! And someone is living vicariously through me as I plow ahead and break the hearts that I wish did not open before me. (Yea, that one does not deserve an exclaimation mark, b/c it is not so good)
Soooo, go to http://www.aryalive.com/
Soooo, go to http://www.aryalive.com/
február 16, 2003
I'm home. The ride took 6 hours both ways, two hours more than it should but weather and tractor-trailers make a bad. I drove home in school-closing weather and lived to tell the really really really long and uneventful tale. But I got new CDs which I need to copy. There was a guy at UNCA that was very funny (well, one of a number) but he said sooooo many homoerotic things and his girlfriend tries ever so hard to supress them. Oh, it is a production that deserves a program.
február 14, 2003
I'm off to Asheville, so I won't be bitching much if at all on the blog because I am too busy. But if Jon Turpaque is reading this my bitterness is the most becoming trait of my character! (which certainly says not much)
So I love long-winded blogs, eh?
Grab a drink and sit down, coffee is best: This is going to be a long one. Becuase it is self-affirming time!
I think the standards other people set for you are crap. They expect you to properly carry out this fucntion, or adequately comprehend that action. When you don't they get pissed. And they set standards, saying you are "smarter" or "perfect" or "talented" or "loving" or "gay" or "whatever the hell people call you". When I don't meet up to those expectation I have obviously let them down. Or they say they are sorry for giving me such a commitment. And when people cry over you or lose sleep over you or do some other strange thing they can't help over your body or character, they are doing a dis-service to themselves, I don't feel any different or better for your own pain you futily pour over me. I hope other people feel the same why about the self-sacrifices I selfishly make.
Not to say people worship me, or hold me on a pedistal, often. But I think I do that too much to others, I nag like an over-motherly mother who also chooses to waste her life on an asshole who would never change.
Do people know I realy want them? They should, god knows they should. But is there anybody? Hahaha, no.
Grab a drink and sit down, coffee is best: This is going to be a long one. Becuase it is self-affirming time!
I think the standards other people set for you are crap. They expect you to properly carry out this fucntion, or adequately comprehend that action. When you don't they get pissed. And they set standards, saying you are "smarter" or "perfect" or "talented" or "loving" or "gay" or "whatever the hell people call you". When I don't meet up to those expectation I have obviously let them down. Or they say they are sorry for giving me such a commitment. And when people cry over you or lose sleep over you or do some other strange thing they can't help over your body or character, they are doing a dis-service to themselves, I don't feel any different or better for your own pain you futily pour over me. I hope other people feel the same why about the self-sacrifices I selfishly make.
Not to say people worship me, or hold me on a pedistal, often. But I think I do that too much to others, I nag like an over-motherly mother who also chooses to waste her life on an asshole who would never change.
Do people know I realy want them? They should, god knows they should. But is there anybody? Hahaha, no.
február 13, 2003
I have to take private tutoring for SATs, I didn't know I was that stupid...
február 12, 2003
Well, Lorenzo didn't die!
It seems he was sleeping in a patch of dirt on the carpet, and Jasmine mistook his lack of breathing for death. I will not be wearing all-white, passing out coins, using everything that associates with death with my left hand, or wail incessantly. Tommmorow is going to be really boring!
It seems he was sleeping in a patch of dirt on the carpet, and Jasmine mistook his lack of breathing for death. I will not be wearing all-white, passing out coins, using everything that associates with death with my left hand, or wail incessantly. Tommmorow is going to be really boring!
Why must things die so young!
On the Twelth Day of the month of Febuary, in the Lord's Year of Two-thousand and Three; Our good friend Lorenzo, Jasmine's life-partner died. He was known for his ambitions, his tribulations, his ideas, his beautiful eyes. To lose him is to lose a part of us all. His sacred body will be properly exhumed and services will be held for the family in their esteemed home. Most of us will remember him for all the contributions he made to the community, but some will remember him as a character on the stage of life which will haunt the theatre for many years to come.
I will be properly mourning Lorenzo passing in the tradional Cantonese fashion tommorow at school, and will provide support for Jasmine throughout the day. Please bear with us as we get through this tough time. Lorenzo was only seven months from when he first tore his way out of his birthing vessel, but he lived them more than anyone else I know...
On the Twelth Day of the month of Febuary, in the Lord's Year of Two-thousand and Three; Our good friend Lorenzo, Jasmine's life-partner died. He was known for his ambitions, his tribulations, his ideas, his beautiful eyes. To lose him is to lose a part of us all. His sacred body will be properly exhumed and services will be held for the family in their esteemed home. Most of us will remember him for all the contributions he made to the community, but some will remember him as a character on the stage of life which will haunt the theatre for many years to come.
I will be properly mourning Lorenzo passing in the tradional Cantonese fashion tommorow at school, and will provide support for Jasmine throughout the day. Please bear with us as we get through this tough time. Lorenzo was only seven months from when he first tore his way out of his birthing vessel, but he lived them more than anyone else I know...
ExNihiloUNC: Honey pie!
Auto response from BourgeoisiePawn: Honey pie, you are driving me crazy.
I'm in love, but I'm lazy.
Won't you please come home?
ExNihiloUNC: My position is traaagic.
ExNihiloUNC: Come and show me the maaagic.
ExNihiloUNC: Of your hollywood song.
*Christopher must live forever.
Auto response from BourgeoisiePawn: Honey pie, you are driving me crazy.
I'm in love, but I'm lazy.
Won't you please come home?
ExNihiloUNC: My position is traaagic.
ExNihiloUNC: Come and show me the maaagic.
ExNihiloUNC: Of your hollywood song.
*Christopher must live forever.
február 11, 2003
Until I figure out the intricacies of this blog, I need to do work and write those e-mails. But look! http://www.angelfire.com/film/ajmakesdoom is where I will be posting the pictures, so just consider them the same site! (only not, but try)
SO I'm here at home, sitting on the computer before I plunge into the makeup work for all the classes I missed. Home at 11am. It isn't as much the searing shame of missing a day of school, as it is the fear of the ramifications that absence will wreak in college recommendations. But I'm still pretty unhappy about the outcome of the situation anyway; I called Humble and spoke with him for a good 5 minutes about why, even after a teacher had taken the blame, I was still suspended. It seems that even though a reason is now warranted, I still was not in the classes I should have been; my inability to appear where I should be "scares" them and automatically I obviously must be suspended for the sake of the good of the rules, under the dignity of the administration. So what is a boy to do? Luckily, anger makes me at least a little more eloquent, so before I do homework, I will obviously be forced to write a multiple-page e-mail to doctor Humble outlining the implications and nuances of suspension and send a copy of it to beloved academic dean Ms Klein who was the other party in this decision. If I don't get it nulled, I'll be damned and make sure they know my displeasure about their decision for the rest of the year... though I'm not sure how all I will express it. I simply feel so used by them, the fact that can puppet whatever the hell they want, selectively applying rules, and making sure I got to enjoy the sanctuary of my empty house. The idea that two people (if you don't include Moulder and Mensch whose classes I missed, though I think Moulder was the one who said something) can make as important a decision as this and hold my future between the heel of their shoe and floor so easily is not a comforting thought, even before this fiasco I was dumb enough to get myself into. I guess the only thing to be said is that I may be pissed and venting on a blog, quite passive-aggressive; but since I am no longer cripplingly ill (Oh, I still have a fever and have a bad headache), no longer have play, and no longer have swim team to drain my energy: I will drag this issue out with the two of them until the Thirty-First of May when they are begging me to drop the subject and cry out for mercy from the blinding repetition of my arguments.
However, for this site, I am done with this topic of discussion forever. This isn't a site for Suspension-Doom; only Doom. So lets have some fun, yes?
However, for this site, I am done with this topic of discussion forever. This isn't a site for Suspension-Doom; only Doom. So lets have some fun, yes?
I bring pictures soon; until then I will grumble about my suspension predicament.
katergovroom: what do you want to do about it
BourgeoisiePawn: dance with me
BourgeoisiePawn: ::initiates dancing!::
katergovroom: this whole missing my marvelous presence thing
katergovroom: boogies down
katergovroom: in hardcore white girl who can't dance style
katergovroom: what do you want to do about it
BourgeoisiePawn: dance with me
BourgeoisiePawn: ::initiates dancing!::
katergovroom: this whole missing my marvelous presence thing
katergovroom: boogies down
katergovroom: in hardcore white girl who can't dance style
