Monosodium Glutamated!!!!!

the old is... not new

2004-01-09T05:30:00.000-05:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ajmcmayjay/

The time = has come

2004-01-09T05:22:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to move on to livejournal, kids. I must post pictures I take with Maiko's camera on the often occasion in which I steal it.
I meet nice people online, now, also, too, in addition. LiveJournal has sexy bitches, in conclusion, I will move there and be motivated to look at their pictures, and then proceed to feel akward as... I plunge into other people's paradoxically private/public lives.
RCHS is the school for plain-looking people, I am sad among my kind.
So I'm really jacked up on medication, appearently. I fell asleep on the floor for well over three hours and I haven't been able to close my eyes or stop moving since... It seems to have broken me but I feel dramatically different at the moment. This odd combination of happy and comfortable and at the same time I haven't felt satisfied by food, just starving or sick. I'm also very tired... but hot-wired like a damn nuclear power plant. I'm hoping that I can find something interesting to do because I'm going INSANE and I can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeep. I hope I'm kinda like this at school so I do not pass out in my classes, but then again, I will not be able to focus, I fear, though I did get the majoirty of my work done except the midterm corrections and Wajima's wkst. I do respect the calc teacher to the utmost, but I'm very cross that he thinks giving us two nights to correct midterms and do the WajimaReview worksheet and declaring it feasable... fees-able... It is very appearent that he choses not to acknowlage the hour-minimum homework limit for AP classes, bless his bitter, math-teacher heart.
I've been hitting my knees together for the past twenty minutes. I'm really anxious about school because I can't see two days in front of my face. I've lost the ability to transition between thoughts.
the end!

and

2004-01-08T20:41:00.000-05:00

I also failed Irene, I wanted to take dance classes real bad like, poor kevin will be all alone too...

Jennmegiferan

2004-01-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

We changed Jennifer and Megan's names, combined them: Jennmegiferan.
Still doing midterm corrections, finding the fundamental flaws in my claculus knowlege. Not impressed by the teacher's teching methods or efectiveness, I feel like it's fine for some people, but it isn't for me.
I got really dizzy and uncomfortabe-feeling today, new body chemestry stuff, I don't like...
Couldn't swim, feel like an asshole
unable to type full sentences
end

the short story but not the corrections

2004-01-07T00:23:00.000-05:00

A whole lot of homework for the first night back, kids. I guess this should be more introspective about the second half of senior year but it's really late and I have swimteam in the morning. It wouldn't have been so bad and I might have started the calc midterm corrections had I not chosen to re-write the short story, but I think it's going to be a doozy now, and I like the new one so much more, I tink the strife of tommorow will justify it.
Is there a meet tommorow?

change is in the air

2004-01-05T02:43:00.000-05:00

I saw "The Last Samurai" today with Maiko and Adam, the theatre was so hot, I was sweating o' plenty. It was a time of great strife and bad smells.
It's been brought to my attention that I am one of those who takes little effort to preserve my language and present only the downfall of english. Downfall to something more elastic? That sounds like good.
Back to "Last Samurai"... I'm not too big a fan of Tom Cruise, his being serious turns into a melodrama, as was the case with the film. But the cinematography, oh! Half the reason I was sweating, it was simply gorgeous and thoughtful. It also was really nostalgic about our dear friend: the Japanese Custom. I missed Japan so much and Maiko kept boasting about how proud she was of her country. I want it to be my country, too. Not because of the movie, but the powerful emotions that it evoked from re-kindling my memories. I miss all the bowing and simplicity immensely, and the persuit of perfection that their culture rests so heavily against. I want quality, it should be more integral in my life.
In conclusion, I am cleaning out my room until it is so bare, Japan makes me crazy, what can I say?

BUTT(ass)

2003-12-31T03:09:00.000-05:00

I'm up late again tonight "working" on college essays. I'm not getting anything done, and the essays are crap, maybe my SAT scores will get me into college. I took a 3+ hours nap from 5ish to 815ish instead of writing, which is anothwer reson why i am up late. Also, SimCity 4 is the devil, damn those... stupid Maxis people.

Some Donuts...

2003-12-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

http://www.thefucksociety.com/animation/pw_donuts.swf

go there
and love
the donuts

So good

2003-12-27T01:13:00.000-05:00

I had a lot of fun tonight, it felt really rewarding after working for hours on college applications, none of which I actually have sent in electronically, yet. It makes me really motivated to do more. I need a portfolio and I have all these mixed-media ideas just overflowing my brain and all this random stuff (garbage, mostly) to put into it for poignant statement or two. I really got on a kanipshit about how wasteful modern society is and blah blah blah, ...
I may or may not have written it as the topic of "what concerns me most" for the common application. Haha, they'll hate me or love me, that's how I want it.
I'm excited, I can taste and smell again. It's really depressing to miss pumpkin pie and all of these seasonal smells. I feel like I missed a big part of my life for the past few weeks. I really never convey to people how important smell and taste are to me, but I really prize them more than most. It was crippling to myself to not have it, and it sounds whiney and spoiled to say that it's imprtant to me because one can infer that I'm just saying that in one of those "Didn't know what you had till it's gone" moments, but I'm serious. Smell is one thing I never undervalued and not having was terrible, it took a lot of enjoyment out of my life and losing my ability to taste took a few pounds off me because meals were thankless. I feel bad and kinda weak for saying it, but it's important to admit to it, and I never want to lose those sensations again, makes me very unhappy.

Foogensnot

2003-12-24T03:33:00.000-05:00

I playes SimCity 4 for, uh, around 6 to 9 hours. In the background was VH1 and it's "Rich people extravaganza" They gave it some other name but it was all about "The Fabulous Life of ______" When Maiko was awake she kept repeating the stupidity of having all that money and then spending it on the stupidest shit for yourself and your spoiled kids or damn dogs. I do have to agree, wholeheartedly. Ecspecially when they're like "But they are generous, too. Such-and-such gave almost a million dollars to this cause." which would later be followed by things like "The custom bently costs over 2.1 million dollars but thats just a drop in the bucket compared to how much they really have". Whew, I tell you, stretching out their necks to give that 1/200th of their wealth to a bunch of people dying of an immunodeficiancy disorder or downright starvation. A million, you say? Golly, that's like, a weeks pay, thats a bathroom in your Manhattan penthouse. Way to go.
Then later, as the night progressed passed midnight, it was over. 12 heralded and expose on Michael jackson, and i could hear my brain screaming for me to change the channel on that but the computer burned my eyes with dorky interest. Then some "documentary" about how much people spent in 2003 three that used "(Insert decadent action here) was SO popular in 2003". That was painful. And it got so bad as there is a 2-hour special about the red carpet and all that jazz w/ body-language experts and what "the stars" are up to.
I need to stop wasting my time on electronic crap and get some art done or... sleep or something. Work out? I hate gyms. Um, college apps are for the daytime when I can think in writing. I say that, but then I do enough urban planning to be qualified to fix that quagmire in downtown Raleigh with my eyes superglued shut and my mouth sewn closed (Yes, that good, it's true). I should hide my computer games from myself and hope the family has avoided buying me superfluous and time-eating objects, which is a total pipe dream. I tell you what, middle-class life is SO tough, I don't know how I can bear to stand the comfort and leisure time I have. (what? was that sarcasm and annoyance with my problems?! Oh dear! I believe so!)
A pox on Christmas.

4th time in one day

2003-12-21T23:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like ugh.
Yes, it's true, I do have a sinus infection. The visit to the doctor was less of an adventure and more of getting meds for what I knew had already happened.
So changing from a steady diet of over-the-counter sinus pain relief meds: to "Clarinex" which is a more hardcore anti-histamine, "Nasonex" which is a steroid that I will have the pleasure of ejecting into each nostril twice a day, and Amoxicillin+Clavulanate Potassium horse-pills which are aircraft-carrier class anti-biotics aimed at destroying the appearently immense bacterial population which is currently in residence in my already war-scarred sinuses. In doing so, I've appearently descended into the final circle of hell. My cough is still persistant, I believe my hearing is decreasing further. I have a terrible fever which is probably the cause of my migraine-force headache as the high tempertaure kills off my nerve center.
I've really fucked up my karma somewhere to feel like this and also being just as low-feeling as I can go. I can't believe how quickly things fall apart if you are blind-sighted by negative revelations.
My head hurts a lot and I don't want to work.. the last two calc tests tommorow... what can I do, this whole year has been a pathetic series of bad timings.

calc tests

2003-12-21T21:23:00.000-05:00

2 tests tommorow and then I am done.
just had an argument of lindmines with my father b/c he's "on my side" by being a pushy asshole. Cruel as it sounds I don't need him to tell me to study, particularly when I'm taking a break and eating. It's rediculous how self-rightous both of us can be. I don't know who is the right side of our dispute. I don't like him at all.

limbo

2003-12-21T16:42:00.000-05:00

Drown a frog

2003-12-21T03:47:00.000-05:00

Ugh, kiddies, I made a bad night. I'm exhausted and i've been up for soooooooo long with a lot to think about. I'm not quite sure what I'll do...

And I'm really bothered how poorly my aquaintenship to two strangers is going to end, that always kills me.

there's a lot to tear one up inside. But... eh, I.. can't expect happiness eternal, that's not real life.

TRAGIC LIVES

2003-12-20T18:56:00.000-05:00

My life has been declared "tragic"!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It sounds like Guns and Roses in my head: MY LIIIIIIIIIFEEEEE IS TRAAAAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIC FOOOOOOOOOOOOOR MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYSSSS HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTT IIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEE

... even though everything iS WELL MORE THAN FINE YUM YUM on that part
and jebus, Axl is SO UGLY now, i saw VH1 making fun of him, was so bored and turned it on, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, jeez he was bloated and cornrows? DAaaaaaaaaaaaaamn...

I'm in a good mood, a really really really good mood, for reason that will be obvious to three other people... who were there, hee hee mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

fyi

2003-12-20T01:44:00.000-05:00

And it seems as though the majority of my friends are crazy... really crazy. I like it, but others prefer to make snyde comments about highschoolers. I would be resentful, but it's laregly true, and clearly... clearly there is something wrong with those RCHS kids, I mean, read the post i wrote below! Insane...

makeouttime

2003-12-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

So, huzzah, winter break, exams are done, oh Wait NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I still have 2 claculus tests to make up, and I HAVE to, as I definitely FAILED the midterm.
And I'm really bummed b/c I was definitely bitched at by a lot of people about getting it done sooner. *sigh.
So, new, sexy people visiting that are newer, sexier and improved! I need some relaxation time now, getting tonight DONE was TOO much, after monday I never want to fret until school starts again, well after it starts, I say.
I don't feel like anything is worth it anymore, like I'm trying really hard to get something done, and nothing in my life is changing, it is all tending towards bad...
I'd make some snide comment about teen angst, but it doesn't really feel like that... maybe I'm just tired.

what to do...

2003-12-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

I'm exhausted and it is only Tuesday, I'm gonna need to chill if I want to gt the midterms done right.
Do I study for midterms?
Or do more calc work so I can actually get to retake those damn tests? Every time I go in he says "you should have done this two weeks ago" and I respond "I was siiiiick" and he doesn't believe me and then he informs me that I have yet more work I haven't done. Why did I fuck all this up so bad!?
Life's become this transparent and fruitless race to get good grades. It's like a damn game to win them at school. I'm ready to be done with futility for now, but then there's that blind faith that I will actually busy myself with anything but trivial shit during the break. And that, my friends, would be a lie.

I was going to change the title

2003-12-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

but then i forgot what i was going to put.
I should be working...
ta!

on the mend

2003-12-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling less sick and I am generally able to focus on my work. get the calc done, that's all I need to do...

whats' the date you say?

2003-12-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

I went to school, diligently, thursday and friday, even though my body was saying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, &c." and that damned orchestra concert on.... I forgot when it was but my head was so congested I couldn't hear shit, I reportedly did very well. I'm still sick, hence the title. As the british would say: "I, old chap, have developed a peculiarly low constitution in the recent passings of the months, *conceited chuckle*" . This certainly isn't to suggest that I was always one for standing againts the test of time in terms of not contrating illness, but they all seem so serious recently... I wonder if it's really just me getting sick, or if there's something mental involved, b/c let's face it folks, I ain't solid as bedrock over here. I guess my stable blogbase of Xan and probably two other people have already heard this song and dance, I will omit.
I still got so much shi to do, what do I do for all the time in my life?

hurt

2003-12-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

I'm sick sick sick. I feel really terrible. This is a bad week for it to happen. Stop comforting me and stop acting stupid. Thats the only way people can help me. I have absolutely no patience when I'm ill. I yell a lot, too, and I'm going to pretend like it isn't a character flaw so much as a side-effect of the illness... riiiiiight.

Good luck on your exam, Adam!!!!!!!!!

Clearly...

2003-12-04T23:37:00.000-05:00

I didn't get hardly any homework done, what the fuck did I do all night!? I flipped out all on Nathan and scared the shit out of him to bring in breakfast with me, because I'm way too fucking stupid to get coordinated and assign breakfast to anyoneveriamsodumbtheend. I'm so frustrated with myself right now, I'm at a crucial time nearing midterms and I have to get virtually all of my grades up, and virtually actually means literally, because none of them are good. I have absolutely no control over my emotions and sleep pattern as this post and its time clearly reveal. It would be swell if the teachers helped, but thats a fat chance in hell of happening since I showed my irresponsibility at not getting shit done in the first place. I really just want to yell at somebody, and I'm tired of yelling at myself... and tom, but thats been resolved! yay! I would much prefer something else to my situation, I wish I could just take the easy road and have dyslexia or something of that nature and blame it wholeheartedly.

fighting a lost cause/person

2003-12-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

because I'm pushy and mean and heinous
and concerned
and hurt
and doing that stupid trying to help people whether they want to be or not thing.

I hate everything for being so damn entrenched and myself for not letting it go and letting it be. There is no reason for me to go on a crusade for myself and someone else, I would like to think I am right but I don't really know if I am because it is so hard. Who am I to judge how someone runs their life? Just because it doesn't adhere to my ideals, which I thought were concerned only with being true to yourself and helping everyone to understand eachother even if it is just a little more, doesn't mean I am right; its the sting of that Victorian naïveté where you never want to concieve the idea that you are wrong so you bulldoze it over. Would my fear of giving up be my fear of losing is disguise? Certainly it seems so, there is so much wrong with what I try to do so hard, its that whole perception of right and wrong, how the universe in a person's mind is either more or less important that that of others'. I'm tired of thinking about this, I hardly have time for school work, why am I spending it on doing things that aren't school? Why does it feel so wrong to speculate that helping someone should and must come second to my own schoolwork?

God, I can't stand all the implications, it tears my ego apart, and shameful as it is, thats something I can't stand.

Aj = fail

2003-12-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

Senioritus sure would be a swell reason to set up to take the fall for my ineptitude at the abitility to start, perofr successfully, and consequently complete work. Not true, though. It seems as though my capacities for, well, anything really have just deteriorated to the point that I can't get any homework done at all and school is an effort that just isn't working out. I feel pretty desperate to get college stuff out so at least I can feel like I have a shot at a future, lies.

Christmas is over-commercialized, welcome to the modern and/or post-modern world. Christmas is slowly becoming an objective time of year for present-giving, deal with it and the fact that non-christians desire to celebrate it, go hi-jack some other really old custom, or hell, use one of those other REALLY IMPORTANT days in your religon to celebrate, or deal with it, as long as it means something to you, it does not matter what other poeple do or think or how they react to it, b/c religon isn't all about doing and thinking he same as everyone else about particular events and the like, honestly.

post-scriptumilusicususus

2003-11-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

problems in the relationship? nope. I'm just doing bad

to the bitch and bäck

2003-11-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

Went to emerald isle for thanksgiving and me and Maiko WASTED friday there. I have never felt like i've COMPLETELY WASTED so much time in all my life. But that isn't true, b/c all time i spend doing work feels wasted and fruitless. Fruitless is the word, genuine. I sit and read ofr hours and hours and the most I get out of it is a terrible mood. Wuthering Heights is a good book, but it just kills me, the pople and everything makes me hate people, just hate everyone so much. AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANY CALCULUS THIS WHOLE TIME. Fucking shit, I sit down with ANYTHING in that class and it doesn't GET DONE. I never finish anything for that class! Test corrections? I have headers on some blank pieces of paper. All my work is half-assed bullshit, all of it. I can't focus on anything, its like any time I sit down with something I get up to get something else and I have to fidget with it so i can get it done and I might as well take a nap while I'm in my room working and blahblahblah and so now I don't think I will ever get anything done or be able to focus on anything ever again. the end.

long pause

2003-11-26T02:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday/today has been long.
The effort I put into school will always go unrewarded (in grades).
Maiko probably hates Adam, deep down and on the inside.
A girl I love is brokededed.
Maiko is 18!
My happiness is either makeshift, or an illusion to begin with...

swimmeat

2003-11-21T00:27:00.000-05:00

Swim meet today, went well, lived to tell the tale. Thats what I call success.

Play performance tommorow. Thats to so comforting, its got to the point where I appriciate the play for all the work and such and such blah blah blah, I really do, it was a lot of time spent. But the artistic reasult just doesn't click with me, I mean, I feel emberassed during performances, and its not as bad now that I can not do Suzuki stances. And I REALLY like Suzuki, its SO COOL, but in the play, everything just came together is too hodge-podge for me. Call me a Kubrick, but I like the most seamless and perfect plays ever. Which, of course, is simply not possible in high school, and not when you have so many minds collaborating together in visuals.

dissertation on my reasons for high standards of cultural homogeny? no time, but thats what seperates my blog from soooo many others!

Still in love. the end.

so appearently

2003-11-19T00:13:00.000-05:00

I love someone, but my fierce and frightened individuality is frizzing out. I am loved, too.

a good day

2003-11-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

I am appearetnyl unable to be productive anymore, but love is grand.
I need a break, this weekend is so far away, only tuesday, only only tuesday...

Horrible nights

2003-11-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

I caaaaaaaaaan't sleep, and I really should go to swimming tomorrow, but its almost one and I am not asleep and I would rather keep my body intact and miss a workout for one day, I say. All of these things that take priority in my life seem really trivial sometimes, and the same goes for homework in those classes I do not like particularly much. This is just the same old rant about the futility of high school life, or my own weakness and intolerance of it, you can fill in the rest, I have other things to discuss.

ITS, apparently there has been talk of removing me as treasurer. Whatever, you people can have it, I do not have the energy or the interest to keep some girl from taking over, you go have a go at the post, maybe you, too, can become president one day! Woooohoooo!

Relationships are a funny thing, and I'm really funny about them. And I burden them with my problems, and they tend to hold up for the most part (knock on wood). I am just happy some people are being the utmost in patience with me, it makes me feel good, and maybe this horrible night with the tears and insomnia and whatnot forshadow a breakthrough! Woooohoooo!

satisfrying, or is it?

2003-11-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

I have appearently lost all ability to eat fried foods, which I guess is a plus, but I'll have a seizure next year at the fair... if I get to go. I've been thinking an awful lot about what happens later, what is going to go down when the school year is done. Will I go on a trip? My parents suggest in strong language that even though it is a year between high school and college, celebration of ANY KIND is FORBIDDEN. Which, of course, is not favorable to myself, but we'll deal with it later. What about all my friends? Who will I still keep in touch with? What about relationships? Thats scares me, I do not want to think about it now. I don't want to worry whether we're going to stay together 'til we die. good song. I'm tired, goodnight!

I had a...

2003-11-16T01:24:00.000-05:00

night more amazing than any other for all the right reasons, I'm so happy that maybe I can have something out of school that isn't viola, something that actually makes me happy or comfortable, or just better. I hope for an enjoyable time, I could live for a thousand years...

party

2003-11-15T00:59:00.000-05:00

Soooo, I went to third place today and blah de blah de blah met some friends, met some more friends, met the friends I had gone their for, had fun, went outside, got cold, got a number, got home, got really giddy.
Like A little School Girl!
At later reflection, I really and sincerely hope that this isn't just another high. It's really important for me and my well-being (read: grades) to not suffer some crippling downfall. Not to put pressure on the concerned and relevant parties, its just, I'm all ups or downs, and I hope you can take my downs with as much grace as you can take my intrest.

fuh

2003-11-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

I feel like ass and I keep falling asleep on homework. My weekends have become one giant nap time and I want to get this play over NOW.

I really don't have anything interesting to account to you, great conversation with alex in env sci today, made it worthwhile. I think someone is hitting on me, but whenever I raise those kinds of speculations it is instantly assumed that I must clearly be looking for an excuse to like this person. Not true, I say, its just a matter of what I perceive to be somebody showig intrest, and the directness of their advances. It could all just be in my head, that whole emotional investment complex I seem to heartily live by has left me at a loss as to how to adequately guage human intrest and proper response, puld, everyone just scares me, I get the nagging feeling that the concerns raised by myself are never considered legit, and I'm just some dumb, desperate, love-sick, fumbling boy. It is not to say that I proclaim to be particularly good at social interactions, its really just the exact opposite, appearently poor mental health genes run in my family, on both sides, and that ain't cool, kids. This now leads me to discuss the merits of cognitive versus interactive treatment plans for psychological patients. I, personally, find neither way a reason for shame, which has a bizarre pseudo-taboo that inundates our culture (there is Dr Katz (old-school Comedy Central) juxtaposing jokes whereas you ostrasize someone for being weak and having to see a 'shrink') that just frustrates me to the attitude of mental health and health in general with most Americans. However, staying on topic, the pills, the pills, I never think I could use them. While some people do need them, and there is no way around that simply because of the magnatude of their diagnosis, I myself could not possibly picture myself in that situation, simply becuase it hasn't happened... yet? My fear of becoming dependent on psycho-stabilizing drugs is a fear of mine, that my whole emotional well being is hinged on a single pill? It's giving too much power over my life to one simple factor. Talking to a doctor, there's where my gold lies (when did this become a treasure metaphor? i don't know), it gives the convenience of 'having someone to talk to' which is important to me coupled with the opportunity to 'fix oneself', which is always favorable in the eyes of a control-freak, and we all know how that goes... In conclusion, I will talk to a shrink, and stop writing pages-long blog posts to avoid the mountains of work which cause me undue stress.

a day of sleep means a night of homework

2003-11-12T00:47:00.000-05:00

I was going to include sex in the title, but I did not because I'm feeling that unsex right now, people.

Angela said she got a $15 digital camera so she MUST tell me where and how, and then probably that it isn't real or a masstype or that she wants me, bad.

I slept from 2am Monday to 2pm Tuesday. I woke up and ate, and then slept from 330ish to 545: I'm going to be up all night doing the homework I was too busy sleeping to do earlier until, I would guess, 4am on Wednesday. I will then wake up at about 7am (and miss swimming TWO DAYS IN A ROW, GASP) on Wednesday and go to school either not really tired at all b/c I got so much Tuesday, or I will wish for the most painful death my potato peeler than the misery of exhaustion I will be living at school. Then I will have play practice, and I hate drama. I hate it so much, maybe not hate, but I'm tired of the Nightingale, folks. I love it to death, but I have acted so much for the children I would rather shove them into a blender and make kidsmoothies, MMMMMMMM RICH AND CREAMY. I <3 acting, and kids, don't get me wrong, but the time and energy exerted into this play and the stuff outside the play are so great, in my mind and in my grades, that I really just want the luxury of not doing it Nightingale again ever the end. Except that we have NC theatre competition a week from this saturday, and maybe I can meet (wink wink) people there. I dunno, I'm going to go write an english paper now that was due monday, b/c I put quality in my work, or rather, do everything in my life really half-assed now.

I'm up too late

2003-11-11T02:06:00.000-05:00

and being up to late means a meaningless soliloquey of which I will be ashamed in the morning, I suppose. fdmgdvfdsgfdsfsdagasbvsleep

façade pronouned "Fak-aid"

2003-11-08T01:28:00.000-05:00

So I was going to wrtie something profound, but I don't have the time or energy, so if you even care then contemplate on the idea that reality is mutually exclusive to the individual. God or no god, gays or no gays, liberals or conservatives are right... things of that shade. Let it stew in your brain and see what comes out.

As for myself, the endless anxiety that hangs over my head can be likened to the mustard gas that burned thousands of people's lungs alive throughout the ages (though I do believe it was only readily available in this 'age'). Ya, its there, its hanging around, an its delightfully scathing residue is covering everything that it can in me. I suppose mustard gas isn't a good similie because I'm not 'burning' on the inside. Maybe more like Nitrous Oxide because its blinking out my energy and consuming my activites and health. I wouldn't declare it deadly, or anything like that, and I suppose it isn't oo much of a complaint, but my worry is always my future, I'm tired of schoolwork, all I hunger for is time to work on some art, b/c thats the only thing I feel like I can adequately finish and feel satisfied of. I hunger satisfaction, not in the sexual sense, just that deep and refreshing psychological glow you get when you can do work that works in harmonic tune with your mind. I sound like a hippie or someone on some explicit drug and I'm wasting my writing eloquence making myself happy. So I will go write about Joseph Andrews now, maybe I can get a little more lyrical with the paper than normal if I try to think of it as something as personal as this.

If you forget my name... you will go astray...

2003-11-07T00:09:00.000-05:00

trapped in a bay

I'm so tired and I'm getting stress-sick (again). The best cure: a fun weekend, but it will also be hectic as everybody demands time with them. I haven't even tried to coordinate anything, all I know is that I'm going to be at the AFS booth at the international festival on saturday from 8 to 10. Maiko is gone to Wilson, and it kinda sucks not having a sibling, I think its the only thing keeping me sane since I'm 'weak' enough to totally fall apart without at least one close relationship to me, such as someone to date, and I'm already falling apart again. I feel so weak this year, I keep getting ill and unhappy. but enough about my problems, everyone else's: half of them are bullshit stupid pretenscious crap and the rest are not even fucking problems. For those few that do have real issues: whine, a lot, it may not fix anything, but it may make you feel better, or at lleast thats howit seems to work out for me.
I hope I don't sound like this when I'm talking to people, total asshole.

guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh

2003-11-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

My imood face did not change, but adjective changed!!!

oh, crest, oh crest.... and downfall

2003-11-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

My dad came hoem today. Not of particular mention until he came up to my room and spoke with me after dinner. His company failed to go public, so he told me. It failed two weeks ago... and I found out the day it did. he then proceeded to force a conversation whereapon he asked me a bunch of questions of no relevance "how are you? are you busy enough? how is Maiko? &c &c" and then pops the question "Do you think Maiko should be spending so much time e-mailing her friends?" which is completely random, then he launches into a little tirade in which he concludes that Maiko isn't learning english fast enough b/c he can tell. I have to inform him that, for starters, Maiko doesn't spend all that much time e-mailing, secondly, it doesn't affect her english skills because there are no opportunities for her to do anything else on a school night when she has no homework, a secondly, he isn't even home enough to make a judgement call on her english skills and he has absolutely nothing to base that judgement on b/c she has nothing to say to him anyway because he is kinda creepy and makes her uncomfortable. It really bothers me that I can't tell him that, and it bothers me how he treats everyone in this house like they've suffered some terrible stroke that severly limits reasoning and fact-retaining abilities; and then I have to hold his hand through the lives he has absolutely no direct part in but "funding" and I can't include him in anything because he refuses to accept that we've all not grown up since second grade.

On a different, though no less serious note, Toms blog frightens me, I think it has been giving the most unsubtle hints as to his personal opinion of me, so instead of asking him directly, as I am want to do, I will simply post it and let everybody read into my fears and insecurities, which seems strangely much easier to do. Am I being childish or immature on the issue of ITS? I don't know, I think if the option of suspending me as treasurer arises again, I would proabably just retire and then proceed to do nothing for the organization and fall into disfavor, b/c I somehow find myself changing priorities without other peoples' feelings or needs kept in account. This also raises the issue of if individuals which find my general behavior towards them as obnoxious, annoying, irresponsible, or whatever negative adjectives can be dreamt up. I don't know if I have the energy to address these issues, as my life has gotten a strange focus on academics (which is not having results, see: my mediocre grades) and swimming, even though I'm definitely one of the worst for my (1.5) years of experience, I'm kinda weak, but this season I promise not to develop anorexia so maybe I can gain positive bodymass.
Is that really important, though?
I do not feel like I have any worthwhile direction...

yes, I did write that

2003-11-04T22:04:00.000-05:00

ColorOfHo: I miss you
LilRosy21: I DON'T
ColorOfHo: or rather, as it seems to be, in this situation, I have written, as it is called, too much Jojo andrews, and the situation, at hand, appears to have, if I may say in a vulgar sense, driven, if I may use that harsh verb, so harsh and cruel to the fairer sex, as they are called, me insane, if it is decent at all to use that word, as some people find it offensive
ColorOfHo: *read, not written
LilRosy21: WOW
ColorOfHo: which is not to say, you, of all people, of course, don't have the, as to say, fortitude, but, that in a sense, is not my call, as I am not a member, if indeed genders have members, outside of the dirty sense for the men, of the fairer sex, if I may use that word
LilRosy21: WHAT the HELL

Madness

2003-11-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

Me and Maiko got japanese goodies at the grocery store and made it to TYP, get this, ON TIME. I'm so easily made happy, so now I am uber-hyper so I ttok anti-histamines as a means of getting myself to sleep, b/c thats important, because swim team is now EVERY DAY.

I really have nothing deep to say, or even intelligent, Just kinda writing to myself and keeping tabs on my own life.

Party woo, party woo

2003-11-01T19:27:00.000-05:00

Franklin street: Its long, its interesting, a its a few miles from south UNC campus which seems even longer when one gets to trudge back and forth in heels. I had so much fun last night, I kept hearing compliments to my costume, which I am wearing again tonight for the sake of being part of a HOT LESBIAN COUPLE with a christian-themed pimp, enough to make any pastor weep. I do not think I will be able to danse too much, my feet are still dying from last night, and more of that tonight is going to not be uber-fun, but at least I won't be walking to every frat house at S&M because they have none!!! Woooooooo!!!
And I woke up at 8am to move my car so it wouldn't get towed from the event parking lot.
I'm feeling a lot better, half the time I'm almost emberassed by what I write (see entry below), i give so much out on the interenet, but I am going to pretend like its cool b/c it does make me feel better, and it lets people know whats going on in the lame psychological drama that is my life.

P.S. I smell like a cafeteria, there is so much free-floating grease at UNC's Chase Cafeterium that I will never be able to get the smel out until it is eaten by the cholrine of swimming on monday.

HIGH-low-HIGH-low-HIGH-low-low-low-HIGH-low

2003-10-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Your Name
Band Name	Bad Religion
Role	Keyboardist
Trademark	Unique Wardrobe
Love Interest	A Porn Star

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

hey, guys? I think its a bad sign, I do not know who bad religion is, and I can not play the keyboard and porn stars are HOT, thats THE BEST THING EVER, for me, maybe, until I get herpies from my 'love intrest'

I was watching ER, and that mom burning herself, oh my god, I was trying so hard not to simply throw myself out of the family room window. That shit is harsh, and I'm also a giant pansy...

I realized that yes, today, my boobs were big, but my mom's are STILL BIGGER, which seems like an odd observation, but it is really true, its crazy, I don't like boobs, god bless not having them, being a guy and such (if I were a girl, they would have to be f'n HUGE, or I would make them that way (with socks (and tissue paper) ) ).

Everyone will be GONE for halloween, b/c of that mother-fucking rigatta, shit on a stick, I definitely could not be in crew, the fact that me and the drama department don't get along so hot because it makes me do stuff I don't want to at times I really don't want to? It wouldn't work out, and I'm a spoiled brat. I realize how much I take my freedom for granted, and how personally demanding I am to everyone around me, I'm impressed, I was raised right, I really only have myself to blame.

I really only write in this because I need to get my impressions out, it has cut down on my wandering around my room talking to myself, which I think is good, b/c appearently it doesn't make the crazy abate, it just worsens the psychological situation.

the result

2003-10-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

it isn't midnight, but I can tell you I have done all english assignments!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Also, my face is comign off b/c I have new medicine, which is hot and will definitely make me the bell of the ball at the GSA social tommorow.

Saturday is the day (for working)

2003-10-25T13:15:00.000-04:00

Today, I promise you, my sexy readers, that the entire day will be spent doing work. I am no longer sick to any point more than a mild head- and neck-ache, and so I have 4 homework assignments in calc and 4 in english to get done, I also have environmental science to do. I promise you, oh so sexy reader, that at around midight I will post the results of my day of working and tell you how far I get. I will not let you down, I will not disappint you, I will improve my grades for me and you. And then everyone, or mostly I, will be happy and not as stressed.
I promise.

Big No-No, kiddies

2003-10-24T02:08:00.000-04:00

"the school is gay"
"as in fucking shit hellish place gay"

damn it, most gay people aren't depressed because they are gay, at least not when they are an adult and out and stuff, thats just obnoxious and demeaning.
Post-scriptum damn it, wishing you weren't gay only makes you more and more unhappy, you have to buck up if you ever want to be to any degree positive and happy, its how you are and wishing you weren't leaves you sad and very very very vulnerable to attack from other people which will just put you in a worst place. Strength is hard, I know, but crying over the spilled milk which is your deviant sexuality never comes out productive, its like the pre-1960s all over again.

WOOOOO

2003-10-21T22:30:00.000-04:00

So i'm really sick, but at night i get these burst of feverish activity where I can't really think but I get all hyper and weird and I really want to jump off the walls but i can't because if I do I'll probably explode and I'm really warm and shakey, i need more food, my body, i believe, is eating itself....

hfuisdghiusdyajsoifjguahyaiouy!

oh blah dee

2003-10-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

I was reading the webogs of ofter individuals and I realized that with the exception of posting what other people have said and done, this is probably the most negative of all. I never say anything positive, and I get sick a lot. Or at least I tell the blog that, I can't recall...

Illness was her name-o

2003-10-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

x angelajoyce x: <3
x angelajoyce x: get that baby?
x angelajoyce x: big AND bold!
x angelajoyce x: just like aj

... except that it was around 200 point, f'n huge

back

2003-10-20T19:58:00.000-04:00

I got back from NY sunday, and am now sick. Everything i am trying to do, any simple task or work is just some abstract notion that I can't even begin to move and there is no horizon in sight

Too dumb for skool

2003-10-12T17:18:00.000-04:00

aaahh, I don't want to do work anymore, and I haven't even started it yet today, too bust procrastinating...
and listening to Bjork,
jesus, so much bjork

Insert disapproving noises here

2003-10-10T07:24:00.000-04:00

I surrender. I can not do schoolwork, I am useless. I put on my shoes of failure, and shuffle away from the door which was my promising academic future. I remember once in conversation with Rachelann and Angela I said how I prioritize drama over english. Now that drama has rendered itself no longer my refuge, I have no reason to dodge english (or any other class, for that matter), and that lays bare the souless truth: I am in direct control of my future, at least on this aspect of my life, and all I can do is pine about my homework and opine about my situation. Someone told me how homework is fairly far from primary on your pyramid of needs, and that ideal or at least partial-ideal that can get me close enough to stable-feeling to get work done has been so shattered, as I no longer feel safe, and I no longer can control or even forecast a bit my emotions, I can't do much of anything.

and I wake up and it is now 723 am
I love that a llaptop fits on my bed

Lily Tomlin makes me hot

2003-10-08T21:21:00.000-04:00

everybody keeps telling me shit is happening, but then they have abstract terms so I'm not quite sure of the subject, the action, or anything else stupid like 'concrete facts'.

MamacitaCandida: i was like ;LKADGOIAUWREOA;HFKL JWHAT?

I haven't done shit for work in sooo long, I procrastinate when I shouldn't, and have to really haul some serious ass.

pancuronium bromide, my drug to kill people of choice

2003-10-08T01:32:00.000-04:00

In Tennessee and about 30 other states, the chemical is used in combination with two others. The other chemicals can either ease or exacerbate the suffering the pancuronium bromide causes, depending on the dosages and the expertise of the prison personnel who administer them.

A judge here recently found that pancuronium bromide, marketed under the trade name Pavulon, has "no legitimate purpose."

"The subject gives all the appearances of a serene expiration when actually the subject is feeling and perceiving the excruciatingly painful ordeal of death by lethal injection," the judge, Ellen Hobbs Lyle, wrote, describing the worst-case scenario. "The Pavulon gives a false impression of serenity to viewers, making punishment by death more palatable and acceptable to society."

Where else could I be but in your pants?

2003-10-07T23:53:00.000-04:00

New song: "Don't touch my bikini" by the Halo Benders. Mainly because a bass guy sings "Don't touch my bikiniiiii" *BEST BOING SOUND EVER* (some more song) "holy boinkers" (more soung till it ends with more *BEST BOING SOUNDS TO MAKE MY SOUL COMPLETE*). And there are more great songs that I never even knew existed, I feel so complete, in a musical sense.
and I haven't played viola in over a week outside of TYP and school (its a big deal for me).
I've been busy, but procrastinated sooo much, I do not think I'll get into any worthwhile school.
I think I need to go to Japan this summer and get a job there, b/c just a plain old summer job isn't enough.

well, some fucked up, on more than one count

2003-10-05T00:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/05/international/middleeast/05OIL.html?8bl

"The problem is this," L. Paul Bremer III, the top civilian administrator in Iraq, asserted at a Senate hearing two weeks ago: "The oil infrastructure was severely run down over the last 20 years, and partly because of sanctions over the last decade."

well, shit. I didn't mind the hundreds of thousands of children that died from the sanctions, but I can't believe they would ever do anything like harm our sweet, sweet oil. I should drive my fucking Hummer right up to Capitol Hill or the White House and see what my illustrious government will do to fix this problem so that Iraqi can pay us back for liberating them.

At a costume sale I bought normal person pants, and other non-descrip clothing. I'm so cool and trendy it hurts my over-privlaged, artsy soul to the core.

and I'm feeling virulenty left, and angry for some reason...

TheraFlu is for Lovers

2003-10-02T22:19:00.000-04:00

sweet, sweet Hamlet and TheraFlu,
each night is like a party without the alcohol, this calls for a mild addiction to one nighttime cold and flu medication
dresses: not just for girls anymore, or at least not always
drag boys make (some of) the girls hot
Friday is going to be really rachelannempty, and that sucks much
not getting what little homework I have done, I suck at being a student
NO WINTER PLAY, mom won't let me, for my grades' sakes, I won't complain.

all in all, a very very bad day, very bad

2003-10-01T20:11:00.000-04:00

This morning was beautiful, downright gorgous, I thought today was going to be absolutely great. I did not know, however, that the hissy fit I threw at Angela and Rosa (that concluded very well) would only be a foreshadowing. 6th period wasn't so bad, until the end, when I snapped, like my 5-y/o self tends to do, and from there I was alunched into the worst mood of the month, and I'm counting it as September, b/c it was fairly mild. So Delia pseudo-snapped at the class, no biggie, it really wasn't much at all, but it set something off inside of me (I feel like a fucking writer from 'the enlightenment') and it was really a giant downward spiral for the remainder of the day, I managed to get REALLY pissed off at a friend and find some reason to dislike him for all his flaws, I got snappy, I got bitchy, I in short became the most unpleasent person I can be. And I had some bizzare outpouring of emotion all over Anna, that I must admit, scares the bejesus out of me.

2003-10-01T20:10:00.000-04:00

Professor, what's another name for pirate's treasure?

2003-09-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

All of my APES papers which have been done on this computer are called: "Bitchface" "EmptyMYASS" "FishSHITbiblio" "PondBullSHIT" "ScientificDevMYASS"
In that order.

My Mondays need to seriously get unloaded, TYP is so much time and energy, ad I really can't work in the mornings anymore, its most unfortunate and damaing to my health, blah whatever, school doesn't care about personal well-being.

Maiko has instilled in me a great fear of flying bugs. Never before did I have such great problems with moths, but while writing this enrty, a HUGE ASS moth flew in, and we chased it around with a T-square for a while. Once it chased us into the family room, Maiko armed me with shimbun (Shimboon) and I slawed the beast after confusing it with the T-square, 5 solid whacks on the floor before it stopped crawling away. It became a mercy-killing after the first two hits. I need to burn incense for it, I just killed something most deliberately.

So close to clubbing, yet...

2003-09-28T20:40:00.000-04:00

this weekend I saw old friends and got work done and didn't go to a club, and got money, and worked some and got caught up with sleep and took a good shower and... thats about it.
i don't know how much good talking to people does me, or rather, how much good it does them. i feel a like a help dispenser from my Pez®© dispenser brain and those little candies difinitely don't do too much unless in large quantities (not really good help either, maybe, I've never seen the long-term fruits of my toil) and cherry-flavoured.
i do not capitolize my own pronoun, as capitolization is overrated, how bad will my grade be if I remove it from al my work, except german, becuase then every word could never be a noun b/c thats the way that language works.
i taught you something new...

IMOOD

2003-09-28T01:13:00.000-04:00

I want it and have it: Imood, its really dorky, but its convey the fact that when I write some of these posts I'm neither suicidal nor homicidal, and I think its important you learn that...

My hands smell like sex; WHY DO THEY MOCK ME SO!?!?

2003-09-28T00:43:00.000-04:00

I changed the title so you can watch it, and so I can get the late-night porn freaks to hit my site.
I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am ready to lose my train of thought while typing this sentence.
lost in translation wasn't the best movie ever, but damn, it made me and Maiko miss Tokyo so much.
I have nothing really productive to say, other than...
...
lost my train of thought again
going to bed
useless blog
one
word
per
line

NO TITLE NEEDED

2003-09-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

Killing dumb people isn't a solution, that just has to be said.

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/26/technology/26MUSI.html?8hpib
Its an article about piracy, and how I hate America b/c I can no longer break the law, life is rough, guys.

I'm going to some damn fine entertainment tommorow, curfews be damned (shock!) This week sucks, probably the worst one so far this year. I don't think I want to ask my teachers to go easy on me b/c I was gone at a funeral and all that, it really makes me feel like I'm being a victim. And after Felder's ex-day, I think goodness is a stupid lie, I don't know why I even care if that whole victim thing works or not, I don't care if my actions do good or bad, I do care if someone calls homosexuality a sin, shame on them, fuck their god, thats what I rudely say

Senior quotes?

2003-09-24T21:59:00.000-04:00

Don't I have something better to do?
I don't want to choose it now, the best one I have found and actually even bothered to write down is "Death is one thing, an end to birth is something else" (michael soule)

today felt like my check in fo drama: "I feel like everything is work today, even stuff of leisure; talking to people has become a job I don't want to do", and I felt that you should know it, b/c though I may not want to ever speak again, I still write in my blog...
it totally makes sense

Get a'workin

2003-09-24T18:28:00.000-04:00

I have shit to do, lots of work, and a calc test that will undoubtedly destroy my brain stem.
This weekend will be wild.
and mom is fiiiiiiiiinaly back... thank'yee jebus

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/24/international/middleeast/24IRAQ.html

sleep

2003-09-24T07:22:00.000-04:00

I slept 11.5 hours last night
"Oh gee, AJ, you must feel great"

I don't have hardly any of my calculus finished and I didn't get any other homework done.
I have a calc test today
I had to read philosophy for english, but I didn't,
and a page or two in german to read just to catch up in German class,
I feel so hopeless, I'm posting on my blog instead of trying, I give up

so tired

2003-09-23T18:53:00.000-04:00

I better reap some damn good fruits from all this labor, jesus!
Have I become less friendly? I think maybe a little, but it isn't what I expected...

life = bullshit

2003-09-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

Where the hell did all this fucking work come from?

Mother Fuck

I'm sorry about your loss, your mother was a terribly attractive woman

2003-09-22T06:18:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to feel about school. All this learning is important, but I believe tha I'm probably doing my worst ever this year and I just don't know what to do to get more focused and diligent. I hate doing work for these classes and I just don't feel like most of what I'm learning this year actually benefits me but pays lip-service to some ineffectual state and school standards. Probably the only three classes I actually feel some obligation towards for later use in life are english, calculus, and drama IV: but the problem with that list is that I'm doing so shitty in all three! I might as well be failing the class b/c god knows my grade blows more than a whore in english. Calculus? Holy lord god almighty on a stick, I have a test that could just bend me over and turn my ass into the subject of a gay porn film, I'm getting raped beyond recognition in that class, and I just don't think I'm smart enough for it. Drama? Drama? I love acting but why the hell does that woman want to kick me out of ITS so bad? You mean I have other things I have to do, like attend some mother fucking funerals? What!? There is more to life than doing some god-forsaken children's theatre? I'm so furious that someone thought I wasn't telling the truth about THE DEATH OF MY GRANDMOTHER, why the FUCK would I make that shit up? And why should I be penalized if its true?
Fucking bullshit...

Now: with titles!!!

2003-09-20T00:11:00.000-04:00

I will have no parade this weekend, I will babysit foreign exchange students in Efland. I will demand either action, or some sort of entertainment!

And also, I willl destroy Busonik and Felder, NO CLASS SHALL MAKE ME LEARN THIS YEAR!!!!!!

so tired, I'm crazy

2003-09-17T01:05:00.000-04:00

Back from Indiana, and its been a long while. I'm not sure how I feel about what to do now, family and school and everything and whatnot. I just really want to have somebody I can actually feel comfortable just getting a big comfort hug, I haven't had one in ages, and that was even before the funeral. God, the funeral was today, we left three hours after the fueral and I left my mom alone in Indiana with her family. Who'll lead the family? What'll keep it concrete? There is no one to centralize this matriarical family, I won't have anyone at my funeral, it'll be like my uncle, who's ashes just happened to be buried today also, with my grandmother, I guess he just wasn't good enough. Why is my aunt controlled by an ass who thinks japan and europe should never have gotten post-WWII aid from the US b/c now he can't buy a TV made in the US? Why are some of my cousins cool? Some gone? Some cowards? What year do we live in where a goddamn gay relationship with two motherfucking grown men is still a complete secret from an entire town? And why does this town have to make them so terrified of their personal welfare? I hate this place, this damn Indiana, this damn Kokomo, this wretched country...
blech

2003-09-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

Grandma dead! Do do, do dooooo!!!
I do not feel sad, but listening to my father and sister bemoan the death of my grandma, I think maybe I just do not take death as seriously, or as a frightening prospect. It seems, particularly with my dad, that having someone he knew die, it really only evokes the emotion of fear b/c he can only see his death. I'm not as sure about Sistah, I'd like to give her more credit for that.
and I feel harsh doing a little criticism game about how someone else's death shouldn't make you self-centered, but I guess it is a greiving process, and a necessary inflection. I don't know, I miss the cool 'ole lady, but I do not think her death has make me tear, just remeniscent. Or, again, maybe I'm just a fridgid, heartless being. Rejection by other people has become a far more painful process than having other's die, I suppose I am just as self-centered as the worse of them (hell, maybe even more so)

2003-09-10T16:56:00.000-04:00

Mmmmm, an orgasiming Catherine Hepbern is like... a chorus of angels!

http://www.theonion.com/3935/opinion1.html
If Wal-Mart were Catherine Hepburn...

2003-09-09T21:16:00.000-04:00

and where the fuck did all this bad karma come from?

2003-09-09T21:15:00.000-04:00

so screwed in every non-sexual contect that the word can be taken in, that sucks, and I sound so dumb in this post.
so dumb

2003-09-08T22:30:00.000-04:00

My computer broke
my headlight broke
my viola's A string broke
and my grandma is broken

no fixee

2003-09-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

If you want to have good quality time, you need to lower the party number...

2003-09-01T23:06:00.000-04:00

Good birthday, I would say, in a tame voice and with minimal hand gesturing

2003-09-01T03:17:00.000-04:00

Upswings rock my world

2003-09-01T00:56:00.000-04:00

And I'm Eighteen. Mark it, my birthday was September first.

2003-09-01T00:53:00.000-04:00

the title is a quote, I swear. But it is really how I've been feeling it, these days. My mind makes me a habitually lonely person, or creepy. If I get it good, I can pull off both.

2003-08-30T16:48:00.000-04:00

I'm having another one of those guilt trips about the family I am with and all the STUFF it entails. I think I may pack up a large portion of my room, just so that I don't feel so surrounded by MY CRAP that I can't even breathe.
I realized that I can get into college with money
- I need to focus my talent
- stop neglecting english and start neglecting AP Environmental Science
- chill out about the price of gas these days
- stop burning my bridges
- get myself in check with my anger
- stop being desperate
- stop caring about my parents opinion
- buy some eye makeup, 'cause goddamn, when my eyes start puffing up and looking like I'm wearing eyeliner I just don't have, I get lots of compliments, and hell, maybe even some of that attention I crave so superfluously
- stop superfluously craving attention
- socialize more
- interact with computer and TV less
- start working out, not as in 'swimming is nice because it makes aj look like an anorexia case', but 'who is that attractive young man who appears to be able to effortlessly lift at least half his body weight more than 2 inches off the ground for more than 3 seconds (i.e. inverse of now)'

Just thought I'dlet ya'll know

2003-08-28T23:32:00.000-04:00

So my computer (which I have named Maiko, for Maiko) is a bit too much like me where as it breaks down whenever it wants to and gets really bitchy and then we get in a bitter and resolute fight and then you fix me in some backdoor way. I think I pulled an Alex on Kate. Not so say Alex isn't good people, but coupled with Kate at certain times for even brief periods results in an often explosive (in the notsexyway) confrontation which is a clear disagreement between to personalities or moods. Such as has happened recently. I hate losing friends, and I hope that Kate will read this seriously. I'm sorry I acted in such a way to rightfully incur the wrath of your negative sentiments, I will only point out that I was very frustrated by the 'tell aj nothing' theme that ran throughout the conversation. Not telling me something as simple as the name of a new person of whom you are dating really angers me b/c I don't feel included as someone you enjoy anymore. If that is the case, kate, I ask that you only tell me how disinterested you have come in me an any way you feel appropriate, but say it directly. I want you to either like me or let me go, its extremely cowardly to just move on without giving me the closure any person deserves.

2003-08-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

My computer broke and I have no Windows XP recovery cd... Aren't I supposed to get one and why the fuck is it messing up within 3 weeks of its arrival?

2003-08-27T19:45:00.001-04:00

and I'm tired of wasting time on enviromental science. If they wanted to have a class of that nature actually be worth something they need to not make it such a joke.

2003-08-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

That previous post was not actually asking for pity.
2nd RCHS GSA meeting EVER tommorow, I can only hope I will be not meek enough to get those children in line and play some games. I do wonder about the benefit of having this thing at school, I just don't know if I can inflict enough change to make a difference with some of those kids at the school, and I doubt the power if the club to help closeted kids. Its the same way with that and German homework: jesus there is a lot and when the hell will it work? I feel so dumb for German in Marschall's class I want Frau Mensch and the total lack of learning her class gave me the opportunity to do.

2003-08-26T00:00:00.000-04:00

Not enough sleep is to be had in this unhappy land of AJsRoom. Feel bad, now.
I'M EIGHTEEN IN ONE WEEK!!!

2003-08-24T01:12:00.000-04:00

Its illegal to show contraceptives on TV. Thanks republicans! (note: I do not blame conservatives, some do believe in the open use of contraceptives, however, the offical stance of the republican party is to not allow them to be seen, bad idea, Mr McMakeLotsaBabies)

2003-08-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

New GSA, my baby. Poster situation was sketchy, are GSAers pulling them down b/c they think that i said it was okay? B/c its not, don't touch my stuff, I say so! Punks.

2003-08-18T20:45:00.000-04:00

Stuck, and going downwards

2003-08-17T02:02:00.000-04:00

I'm too smart now to write a blog entry this late, we all know how they'll turn out (see below). All I will say is: I took an hour-long trip to do stuff I wouldn't even drive ten minutes for had I known the evening would work out that way, and secondly I can't stand people, any of them. That is why I have eliminated myself the pain of having to listen to any of you by removing my chatterbox.
p.s. <3's for fucking everyone

2003-08-13T20:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html

-the ping-pong game of your life

2003-08-13T18:09:00.000-04:00

USELESS CRAP ON BLOG!
Wahoo.

p.s. I would like to make a shout-out to all my peeps who mentioned me in their blogs, or who have kick-ass blogs, or who don't read my uber-long entries in my blog.

2003-08-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

Today is the day for quoting The Onion

"Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it."

_I will give The Onion my babies!_

p.s. I'm a big dork

2003-08-10T20:45:00.000-04:00

Maybe I just needed to chill.
What will happen when school crops up?

2003-08-10T00:40:00.000-04:00

Cambridge: A time that will be remembered for its bitter tears and absences of coordination. If ever a reader of this blog is offered to go to "the Cambridge College Programme", please, for the holy spleen of Jesus and the Virgin Mary's placenta, ABORT AT ALL COSTS. Instead, one should go to "The Cabridge Tradition". Why? B/c I just spent three weeks with 770 dumb kids to the extreme on coaches I would compliment by calling 'shitacular' in very good classes but almost no one to enjoy with. I have gone through arguably the three most gut-wrenching, heart-aching, painful, lonely, uncomfortable, fearful, and empty weeks that I hardly think I've come out whole from. But through and through this painful time I have learned many important things about myself: one, that I'm an aetheist; two, that I have something wrong in my head (psychological issue); three, that I hold grudges far too long; four, that I still have deep-seated anger issues that largely take the shape of profuse apologies or outright bitterness; five, that I am terribly dependent on people; six, that I'm staight-up Gay (heehee, straight); seven, that I think it is okay and that is all that matters; eight, that I have no self-confidence but what Image I die to make sure other people see and that is what I cling to; and nine, that I'm terribly dependent on others and at the same time in a self-inflicted limbo of loneliness.
I want to be seen as someone with strong morals and unshakeable ideas, but I find it questionable to whether I strive to instill this sense of inner strength to appeal people to like me, or in the unlikely event that it is actually who I am. And all I can do is bitch to this blog, which I know is read by other people to both get their attention to me and to provide me temporary relief from this self-inflicted burden I try so hard to put on my shoulders.
Christ on a stick, I'm fucking annoying as hell whiney-ass Bitch.